From Strength to Strength

What a week! First let me say that, very soon, I will be posting about our precious Collin who is 7 today! I could write a book just on that sweet child. But, with only a few minutes, I will have to do that later. "Happy Birthday, Collin."

The reason I'm writing is because my emotions have been ALL OVER the place this week. And, Monday, I had a complete break down! I had a headache that I'd had for about 7 days, a project that I am in charge of at Collin's school was looming over me with a few more details to work out, and Collin's birthday and party were coming up. The house was messy, clothes to be put away, TOT supplies to get together, and blah, blah, blah. You get the picture.

On top of all of that, my emotions concerning family and this new life were bottoming out. I could just feel the heaviness of financial, job and house stress, a comfortable friendship lost, and the certainty of routine spinning out of control. Then, my grandmother passed away. This passing is not sad in the least bit, because we had to say "goodbye" to our Mamaw years ago. She is finally free and well today. But, still, there are emotions involved when a loved one leaves.

Well, here's the thing. Keeping it together is "my thing". It's what I do and who I am. Whatever the problem is, I can handle it. And, when I can't, I get completely frustrated with myself which only adds to the stress. So, Monday night, I had a crying session. A big one! It wasn't pretty, but it felt good.

Immediately, my headache began to fade. It was a great reality check needed to remind me that what we have gone through is VERY big. There is no way to minimize it. And, I am operating, DAILY, under a pretty significant stress level. So, when other things -- small things -- pile in, I have to be careful.

But, I came away with some questions. I've been writing here and journaling on my own about where I am in life. I've boasted of the Lord's goodness and the strength that He provides me with daily. I've expressed the fact that He is providing above and beyond what I could have ever hoped or imagined. So, in the middle of my fit, I felt fake. I felt as if I'd just been writing/saying words over the last 6 months; because, when the stress crept it, I fell apart.

This morning, though, I came across a scripture in Psalms that has given me peace.

Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
Who have set their hearts on the pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca, 
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength, 
till each appear before God in Zion.  Psalm 84: 5-6

What I've experienced with the Lord has been very real. And most days, He has granted me a strength that I can't describe not only to live this life, but to REALLY enjoy it. But, there are days when I can't get past the fleshly person that I am. I bottom out, and I need a break.

The encouragement of this Psalm is that, in my most fragile state, I can look back at the times that God has granted me strength and look with anticipation to the next time that He will do the exact same thing.

From strength to strength.

So, my heart is set on this pilgrimage -- the one that God has chosen for me. And, I know that my strength is in Him. Thank goodness! Because, Monday night is only one indicator that this pilgrimage is headed south if it's my strength we're counting on.