When my mom first started using email, every email would come through in ALL CAPS. It was so difficult for me to read, and my sister would always say, "Why are you screaming at me in every email?" Turns out, it was just easier for her to type in all caps rather than to have to find that difficult shift key. ;)
Well, today, I feel as though I should type this post in all caps. Not because I don't want to bother with the shift key, but because I feel like I should be shouting.
I had a rather long and focused time alone with the Lord this morning. You may know that my children are with MeMe and Sassy right now. So, I was ABLE to enjoy a longer quiet time due to the fact that the house is quiet. But, I NEEDED a longer quiet time than normal, because this morning was going to be huge.
I had a scheduled meeting with someone I was once very close friends with at 10:00. (I realize that you all know who I'm speaking of AND that I chose a very silly way to be vague. I just don't want to include names on this blog.) I've shared in previous posts that God has brought me to a place of love and forgiveness that shocks and amazes me, and I needed to share those things with HER! I knew that my motives were pure, but I needed to spend some extra time praying that God would inhabit EVERY bit of our fellowship. I wanted ALL of our "talk" to honor HIM!
During that time, I also felt led to pray over the details of our journey.... WORK, JOB, MOVE, ETC. I haven't spent focused time praying over those issues lately, because God has called me to focus on abiding in Him and trusting that HE will take care of the details. I don't doubt that at all. But, this morning, I felt led to pray over them and confess to God that I am a little weary in the waiting. I'm weary in waiting without any knowing. I prayed specifically that He would give us a small demonstration that there are answers on the horizon.
And, this is where I feel I need to start shouting...
God gave me this sense that He is up to BIG things. I can't describe it perfectly, but I felt an overwhelming sense that some of our waiting may be over, and we are about to be faced with some answers to so many of our questions.
At 9:00, I got a call from Scotty that a verbal offer had been made on our house! It's not a perfect offer. BUT... it's an offer. Twenty minutes later, we got a call that another realtor wanted to show the house. Immediately. We still haven't heard how that showing went, and we are in the process of negotiating the first offer. But, I just got a text from our realtor (who is a believer and is praying through this with us). She said, "The funny thing is that I was going to call Scotty today and speak with him, because your listing is up tomorrow."
God's timing! He's never early, late or absent. I don't know for certain that THESE are our buyers. I still don't really know for certain that we WILL move. But, I know that I asked God to show me that He is working on the details of our life, and.... He did! In a BIG way.
And, now I'm struggling with how much of my meeting I need to share for readers here on this blog. I KNOW that any meeting of any sort with her seems abnormal to people looking on. I understand that, due to the nature of the sin that separated us, most would look at our relationship as unable to be redeemed. In it's previous state, I'd have to agree. It was shattered to pieces for a PURPOSE. And, my heart is OVERJOYED to hear that those purposes are being accomplished. And, if my response to her seems abnormal, I'm so VERY pleased. Because God's response to us is abnormal! His redemptive plan makes absolutely NO worldly sense.
As I sat on my couch and heard from her about what God has taught her, how God has restored and strengthened her marriage and how He is leading her daily, I was overcome, YET AGAIN, with how awesome our God is. And, I was hit with the undeniable truth that NOTHING is impossible with God.
During my run on Monday morning, the sun was shining and the air was warm. It was the perfect weather for the first day of Spring break. I'm full of tears these days, so I was crying as I ran along with my praise music. I was caught up in the beauty of Spring. Winter is so dark and dreary. As Spring blossoms, I always see it as an expression of God making us new.
In many ways, I've been experiencing both a seasonal and personal winter. My personal winter has consisted of heartache, waiting, loss and heaviness of heart. As clearly as nature is ushering in Springtime for us, God is ushering in a new season in my own personal life. The winter has been so necessary, but it makes the spring appear all the more beautiful.
"Forget the former things,
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19
Thursday, March 15
Sunday, March 11
Shared Love
"We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death." 1 John 3:14
Doesn't this seem simple?
Obviously, we don't want to remain in death. So, the answer is.... love your brothers. But, wait. Sometimes, although it's simple, it's VERY difficult to put into practice! I feel the need to emphasize the "VERY" and the "DIFFICULT".
As I'm reading through 1 John, though, it's the difficulty of the command that I am so grateful for. It's difficult because only God can accomplish it. Throughout the first and second chapters of 1 John, he is pleading with the letter's recipients to come to KNOW Christ. Then, he urges them to OBEY His commands. The next step is ABIDING in Christ. When we abide in Christ, we are completely dependent on Him. He becomes the supplier of ALL that we need. This kind of relationship is what we were designed for in the very beginning. Abiding in Him is God's ultimate goal for mankind.
When we abide in Christ, things that once seemed so difficult (maybe even impossible) to achieve become almost natural. I believe that loving others... truly loving others... is one of those things. It is the natural overflow of a growing relationship with the Father. When I'm abiding in Christ, His goodness, mercy, grace and LOVE are freely given TO others because they are completely experienced FROM Him. If I'm operating in the flesh, my love for others is dictated by THEIR actions, THEIR failures and THEIR behaviors towards me.
Why are we called to LOVE others rather than disciple others? Why must we LOVE rather than just forgive? The answer could be found a couple of books before John's letter when Peter writes that,
"love covers a multitude of sins..." 1 Peter 4:8
True love for others causes us to share the gospel with them, because we want all to experience true life in the One that offers it.
True love for others allows us to forgive them when their behavior seems unforgivable to the world. It allows us to the see that "hurting people hurt others", and that reality causes us to pray for their healing and redemption.
And, true love for others keeps me focused on what I can do for fellow believers rather than what is owed to me.
Last Fall, I knew that I would have to forgive others. I've experienced the Lord enough to know that harboring bitterness and anger for any amount of time was going to bring about a sense of death within me. I knew that it had NO place in the abundant life that God has planned for me. But, LOVE? I can tell you that I didn't have THAT on my agenda.
Thank goodness God had a different agenda. He has given me a love for 2 individuals over the past couple of weeks that shocks and amazes me. In some ways, it is an even deeper love than I experienced prior to our trial, because God has allowed me to see them a little more as He sees them. And, honestly, 'love covers a multitude of sins.'
John is certainly correct. We DO know that we've passed from death into abundant life when we LOVE our brothers. But, maybe our mistake is in our trying too hard. At least for me, my efforts to DO the right thing and forgive my betrayers fell ridiculously short. Therefore, loving them was very much an impossibility. However, when my focus became KNOWING, OBEYING & ABIDING in Christ, the love for others poured out naturally. It's almost as if I was able to give what doesn't even belong to me. God's love bouncing from me to another. That love led to forgiveness. When I found Him to be the perfect Healer of my hurts, forgiveness came quickly.
What an amazing God! He doesn't call us to do ANYTHING that isn't for our best and meant to usher us towards Him. His every work in our lives is meant to draw us into fellowship with Himself. He keeps demonstrating that it's the very safest place for me to be, so WHY would I ever resist?
Doesn't this seem simple?
Obviously, we don't want to remain in death. So, the answer is.... love your brothers. But, wait. Sometimes, although it's simple, it's VERY difficult to put into practice! I feel the need to emphasize the "VERY" and the "DIFFICULT".
As I'm reading through 1 John, though, it's the difficulty of the command that I am so grateful for. It's difficult because only God can accomplish it. Throughout the first and second chapters of 1 John, he is pleading with the letter's recipients to come to KNOW Christ. Then, he urges them to OBEY His commands. The next step is ABIDING in Christ. When we abide in Christ, we are completely dependent on Him. He becomes the supplier of ALL that we need. This kind of relationship is what we were designed for in the very beginning. Abiding in Him is God's ultimate goal for mankind.
When we abide in Christ, things that once seemed so difficult (maybe even impossible) to achieve become almost natural. I believe that loving others... truly loving others... is one of those things. It is the natural overflow of a growing relationship with the Father. When I'm abiding in Christ, His goodness, mercy, grace and LOVE are freely given TO others because they are completely experienced FROM Him. If I'm operating in the flesh, my love for others is dictated by THEIR actions, THEIR failures and THEIR behaviors towards me.
Why are we called to LOVE others rather than disciple others? Why must we LOVE rather than just forgive? The answer could be found a couple of books before John's letter when Peter writes that,
"love covers a multitude of sins..." 1 Peter 4:8
True love for others causes us to share the gospel with them, because we want all to experience true life in the One that offers it.
True love for others allows us to forgive them when their behavior seems unforgivable to the world. It allows us to the see that "hurting people hurt others", and that reality causes us to pray for their healing and redemption.
And, true love for others keeps me focused on what I can do for fellow believers rather than what is owed to me.
Last Fall, I knew that I would have to forgive others. I've experienced the Lord enough to know that harboring bitterness and anger for any amount of time was going to bring about a sense of death within me. I knew that it had NO place in the abundant life that God has planned for me. But, LOVE? I can tell you that I didn't have THAT on my agenda.
Thank goodness God had a different agenda. He has given me a love for 2 individuals over the past couple of weeks that shocks and amazes me. In some ways, it is an even deeper love than I experienced prior to our trial, because God has allowed me to see them a little more as He sees them. And, honestly, 'love covers a multitude of sins.'
John is certainly correct. We DO know that we've passed from death into abundant life when we LOVE our brothers. But, maybe our mistake is in our trying too hard. At least for me, my efforts to DO the right thing and forgive my betrayers fell ridiculously short. Therefore, loving them was very much an impossibility. However, when my focus became KNOWING, OBEYING & ABIDING in Christ, the love for others poured out naturally. It's almost as if I was able to give what doesn't even belong to me. God's love bouncing from me to another. That love led to forgiveness. When I found Him to be the perfect Healer of my hurts, forgiveness came quickly.
What an amazing God! He doesn't call us to do ANYTHING that isn't for our best and meant to usher us towards Him. His every work in our lives is meant to draw us into fellowship with Himself. He keeps demonstrating that it's the very safest place for me to be, so WHY would I ever resist?
Friday, March 9
Amazed...
It's really crazy that I'm going to attempt to blog tonight. My heart is so full, and my brain in overwhelmed. It's 10:30 p.m. on the Friday night of a long week. So, I'm giving you fair warning that much of this post may be scattered (at best) and unreadable (at worst). I can't help it. I'm amazed, and I must share it.
God is AWESOME! His work in our lives is breathtaking. And, by 'our lives', I'm not simply referring to the Roger's. He is actively working in EACH of our daily lives! How is that possible? How can He be THAT big?!?!?
I can't even begin to tell you all that has gone on over the past couple of weeks. But, God has been "showing off". I hope that doesn't sound disrespectful to anyone. No! I don't really think God "shows off". He doesn't have to. He's been being Himself! And, thankfully, I haven't missed it. I can't share all of it, because it would take several posts. And, I won't share all of it, because I don't have permission to. But, trust me, He's been working overtime.
You may be thinking that Scotty has been offered a fabulous job. You'd be incorrect. There is still no full time job, and there really isn't the certainty of a promising lead yet. However, we are totally at peace with where we are right now. And, even more amazing than that is the fact that we have all that we need and more financially. Our Provider is taking care of us. WELL!
O.K., so now you're probably assuming that we have sold our house and have direction as to where to go next. Ummm... Wrong again. While visitors have been looking at the house pretty regularly, there hasn't been the first offer made. Nothing. But, we are certain that God will sell this house IF we are supposed to leave it and move on. And, if He is not in control of that move, WE DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT!.
No. None of the things that have been at the top of my prayer list over the past couple of weeks have answers yet other than to keep following the One that knows ALL of the answers even if He's chosen not to share them with me.Yet. :). So, why is my heart so full...
Spiritually and emotionally, He has brought me to a place that I NEVER would have imagined that I could be in only 7 short months after my tragedy. HE has birthed in me a level of forgiveness that I thought I'd never see. And, He did it suddenly.
On top of that, Scotty was pursued by and granted forgiveness from another person involved in our story. The manner in which this took place was unexplainable. So much so that in the beginning stages of communication, Scotty and I felt very uncomfortable with it. I know this doesn't make sense, because I am being so vague. But, I just can't share details. This person has every right to be angry and stay angry forever. However, he understands God's will and God's sovereignty. He sees the bigger picture, and he doesn't want to miss out on the ultimate goal God has in mind for all of this.
As today has progressed, I realized that I have NO IDEA how God intends to use all of this bad for His good which, ultimately, is MY good. I really want to get out of His way. I am so amazed and overwhelmed by Him that I just keep saying, "Show me what you want me to do. I'm in!"
I think it is no coincidence that a crisis of such magnitude happened in such a small community. It wasn't by accident that a small, Baptist church was hit hard by the sin and moral failures of so many. I believe the very public nature might just be the very point. In other words, Could it be that God is about creating change in MORE than only the lives directly affected?
So, while many people who KNOW our story aren't INVOLVED in our story, I just have this feeling that it doesn't matter. He has big things in store for us, and I am looking on with great anticipation. And, if just one person could be changed, matured, renewed or rescued WITHOUT having to go through what we have gone through, I can honestly say, "It was worth it."
I'm ready to move on! It happened. It was gross! I don't ever want to go through it again. But, I want to know what's next. I desire to follow the Spirit's leading and begin using these life lessons for some good.
Now, having said that, let me QUICKLY say that I'm not in favor of sweeping HUGE matters under the rug. I would be totally disgusted with anyone who chose to cover up serious issues and move on as if NOTHING happened. It's not healthy, and I don't believe it's Biblical. That's not at all what we've done or plan to do. There are BIG issues to uncover, learn from and heal from.
So, if you still have questions, confusions, etc. about any part of the story, I'd strongly urge you to go to the Lord with these things. Allow Him to show you how to deal with them through His Word and His Spirit. Maybe there is a work that must be done ONLY between you and Him. Maybe He'd have you reach out and voice these concerns with someone else. NO! I am not asking anyone to mask their feelings. If I've learning anything, I've learned that we've got to start being real. Genuine! Authentic!
And, from there, I invite you to look, with me, in anticipation for all the He is going to do. I'm truly overwhelmed. I've said it before. But, God is at work, and I don't want to miss out on what He's doing. The Bible is very clear... God WILL accomplish His plans! I can either join Him, or I can pout in the corner and forfeit my privilege of joining the party.
The choice is easy for me, because I SURE love a good party!
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in he church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
God is AWESOME! His work in our lives is breathtaking. And, by 'our lives', I'm not simply referring to the Roger's. He is actively working in EACH of our daily lives! How is that possible? How can He be THAT big?!?!?
I can't even begin to tell you all that has gone on over the past couple of weeks. But, God has been "showing off". I hope that doesn't sound disrespectful to anyone. No! I don't really think God "shows off". He doesn't have to. He's been being Himself! And, thankfully, I haven't missed it. I can't share all of it, because it would take several posts. And, I won't share all of it, because I don't have permission to. But, trust me, He's been working overtime.
You may be thinking that Scotty has been offered a fabulous job. You'd be incorrect. There is still no full time job, and there really isn't the certainty of a promising lead yet. However, we are totally at peace with where we are right now. And, even more amazing than that is the fact that we have all that we need and more financially. Our Provider is taking care of us. WELL!
O.K., so now you're probably assuming that we have sold our house and have direction as to where to go next. Ummm... Wrong again. While visitors have been looking at the house pretty regularly, there hasn't been the first offer made. Nothing. But, we are certain that God will sell this house IF we are supposed to leave it and move on. And, if He is not in control of that move, WE DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT!.
No. None of the things that have been at the top of my prayer list over the past couple of weeks have answers yet other than to keep following the One that knows ALL of the answers even if He's chosen not to share them with me.Yet. :). So, why is my heart so full...
Spiritually and emotionally, He has brought me to a place that I NEVER would have imagined that I could be in only 7 short months after my tragedy. HE has birthed in me a level of forgiveness that I thought I'd never see. And, He did it suddenly.
On top of that, Scotty was pursued by and granted forgiveness from another person involved in our story. The manner in which this took place was unexplainable. So much so that in the beginning stages of communication, Scotty and I felt very uncomfortable with it. I know this doesn't make sense, because I am being so vague. But, I just can't share details. This person has every right to be angry and stay angry forever. However, he understands God's will and God's sovereignty. He sees the bigger picture, and he doesn't want to miss out on the ultimate goal God has in mind for all of this.
As today has progressed, I realized that I have NO IDEA how God intends to use all of this bad for His good which, ultimately, is MY good. I really want to get out of His way. I am so amazed and overwhelmed by Him that I just keep saying, "Show me what you want me to do. I'm in!"
I think it is no coincidence that a crisis of such magnitude happened in such a small community. It wasn't by accident that a small, Baptist church was hit hard by the sin and moral failures of so many. I believe the very public nature might just be the very point. In other words, Could it be that God is about creating change in MORE than only the lives directly affected?
So, while many people who KNOW our story aren't INVOLVED in our story, I just have this feeling that it doesn't matter. He has big things in store for us, and I am looking on with great anticipation. And, if just one person could be changed, matured, renewed or rescued WITHOUT having to go through what we have gone through, I can honestly say, "It was worth it."
I'm ready to move on! It happened. It was gross! I don't ever want to go through it again. But, I want to know what's next. I desire to follow the Spirit's leading and begin using these life lessons for some good.
Now, having said that, let me QUICKLY say that I'm not in favor of sweeping HUGE matters under the rug. I would be totally disgusted with anyone who chose to cover up serious issues and move on as if NOTHING happened. It's not healthy, and I don't believe it's Biblical. That's not at all what we've done or plan to do. There are BIG issues to uncover, learn from and heal from.
So, if you still have questions, confusions, etc. about any part of the story, I'd strongly urge you to go to the Lord with these things. Allow Him to show you how to deal with them through His Word and His Spirit. Maybe there is a work that must be done ONLY between you and Him. Maybe He'd have you reach out and voice these concerns with someone else. NO! I am not asking anyone to mask their feelings. If I've learning anything, I've learned that we've got to start being real. Genuine! Authentic!
And, from there, I invite you to look, with me, in anticipation for all the He is going to do. I'm truly overwhelmed. I've said it before. But, God is at work, and I don't want to miss out on what He's doing. The Bible is very clear... God WILL accomplish His plans! I can either join Him, or I can pout in the corner and forfeit my privilege of joining the party.
The choice is easy for me, because I SURE love a good party!
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in he church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21
Monday, March 5
Everybody Needs A Collin
I don't like to use this blog to brag on my kids! I know that most
people that read my posts have children who are equally as bright,
sweet, and precious as mine. But, since it's his birthday, is this the
cutest face you've ever seen or what?!?!?
On Caleb's birthday, I posted about all the ways that God had used him to teach me various lessons. So, I'll follow that same plan for Collin. Man! Have I learned a thing or two about life from this lively being.
Collin was due around the 10th of March, 2005. But, on February 28th, I was at Bunko and my water broke. We were finished playing, but my group had surprised me with a shower. I knew that Caleb took a little while getting here after my water broke with him. So... I sat down and opened presents before making the 20 minute trip back to my house to meet Scotty. Needless to say, by the time we pulled in my driveway, I was having full blown contractions. And, by the time we arrived at the hospital, my extremely stretched out maternity jeans were SOAKING wet (sorry, guys!). So much for the magazine cover mom pulling up to the hospital looking like a million bucks. I looked like a giant MESS! And, I felt like one, too. But, the delivery went smoothly, and a beautiful baby boy arrived at 12:01 a.m., March 1st.
Fast forward a couple of years. Collin was about 2 years old, and my mom had come for a visit. We drove out to Lakeland to eat lunch at Backyard Burger. I'd recently discovered the playroom with the tree house. Everyone had eaten. We sent Caleb and Collin into the playroom, closed the door and sat down to visit. I was sure that we'd have a nice piece of time to visit, because THIS was a new playroom and it looked so fun. Well, they hadn't been in there long when a woman from the drive through pulled up to the side door, opened it and ushered Collin back in to me. YEP!!! He'd let himself out of the playroom and wound up OUTSIDE of the restaurant IN the drive through driveway. So much for looking like "Mom of the Year". No one in Backyard Burger (and it was packed) thought that I even deserved to have children much less any award. However, no one got hurt and we learned a valuable lesson that Collin was going to require a little more supervision than Caleb had always needed. (Although, this same thing was repeated in two other eating establishments during that year! I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth.)
Now,
picture Collin about 4 years old. Our sports fanatic, Caleb, began
playing ball that year, and we spent MUCH of our time at the field.
Collin loved being there. But, I had many plans about how he would look
and what he would wear as we sat at the field watching Caleb play. Well,
more times than not, Collin insisted on going to the ball field as,
Batman, Darth Vader, a Storm Trooper or any other costumed character!
Boy, did we get some looks. Again, so much for looking like a magazine
cover! Collin wasn't interested.
And, earlier I posted this story abbreviated on Facebook. But, here's the entire version. Collin had a small run in with fact families in Math a couple of weeks ago. His teacher warned me of the bad papers coming home. And, we worked on everything until he had little to no trouble with them. However, the damage had been done. When progress reports came home, Collin had a C in math. Now, I realize that's not terrible. But, I taught school in Clinton. I know his teacher, and I somewhat know the curriculum. And, for some reason, I have in my mind that my children must do well in school. ALL the time. NO exceptions. Seriously, what would it look like if a previous teacher can't prepare her children to do well in school! I had a small fit when I saw the "C" and tried to explain to Collin why I was so upset. He looked at me VERY seriously and VERY respectfully and said, "Mom, I'm not going to the devil over it!"
You see, this precious child has taught me, on more than one occasion, that IMAGE isn't the most important thing. He's pointed out that, often, I focus on things that are of VERY little importance and miss out on what's truly valuable. In other words, he calls me out when I'm majoring on the minor things of life.
Collin came into this world with such LIFE and LAUGHTER. At the same time, he has one of the SWEETEST spirits. We are so blessed to have him. As my sister often says, "Everybody needs a Collin." I don't know about that. But, we sure do!
On Caleb's birthday, I posted about all the ways that God had used him to teach me various lessons. So, I'll follow that same plan for Collin. Man! Have I learned a thing or two about life from this lively being.
Collin was due around the 10th of March, 2005. But, on February 28th, I was at Bunko and my water broke. We were finished playing, but my group had surprised me with a shower. I knew that Caleb took a little while getting here after my water broke with him. So... I sat down and opened presents before making the 20 minute trip back to my house to meet Scotty. Needless to say, by the time we pulled in my driveway, I was having full blown contractions. And, by the time we arrived at the hospital, my extremely stretched out maternity jeans were SOAKING wet (sorry, guys!). So much for the magazine cover mom pulling up to the hospital looking like a million bucks. I looked like a giant MESS! And, I felt like one, too. But, the delivery went smoothly, and a beautiful baby boy arrived at 12:01 a.m., March 1st.
Fast forward a couple of years. Collin was about 2 years old, and my mom had come for a visit. We drove out to Lakeland to eat lunch at Backyard Burger. I'd recently discovered the playroom with the tree house. Everyone had eaten. We sent Caleb and Collin into the playroom, closed the door and sat down to visit. I was sure that we'd have a nice piece of time to visit, because THIS was a new playroom and it looked so fun. Well, they hadn't been in there long when a woman from the drive through pulled up to the side door, opened it and ushered Collin back in to me. YEP!!! He'd let himself out of the playroom and wound up OUTSIDE of the restaurant IN the drive through driveway. So much for looking like "Mom of the Year". No one in Backyard Burger (and it was packed) thought that I even deserved to have children much less any award. However, no one got hurt and we learned a valuable lesson that Collin was going to require a little more supervision than Caleb had always needed. (Although, this same thing was repeated in two other eating establishments during that year! I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth.)
And, earlier I posted this story abbreviated on Facebook. But, here's the entire version. Collin had a small run in with fact families in Math a couple of weeks ago. His teacher warned me of the bad papers coming home. And, we worked on everything until he had little to no trouble with them. However, the damage had been done. When progress reports came home, Collin had a C in math. Now, I realize that's not terrible. But, I taught school in Clinton. I know his teacher, and I somewhat know the curriculum. And, for some reason, I have in my mind that my children must do well in school. ALL the time. NO exceptions. Seriously, what would it look like if a previous teacher can't prepare her children to do well in school! I had a small fit when I saw the "C" and tried to explain to Collin why I was so upset. He looked at me VERY seriously and VERY respectfully and said, "Mom, I'm not going to the devil over it!"
You see, this precious child has taught me, on more than one occasion, that IMAGE isn't the most important thing. He's pointed out that, often, I focus on things that are of VERY little importance and miss out on what's truly valuable. In other words, he calls me out when I'm majoring on the minor things of life.
Collin came into this world with such LIFE and LAUGHTER. At the same time, he has one of the SWEETEST spirits. We are so blessed to have him. As my sister often says, "Everybody needs a Collin." I don't know about that. But, we sure do!
Thursday, March 1
From Strength to Strength
What a week! First let me say that, very soon, I will be posting about our precious Collin who is 7 today! I could write a book just on that sweet child. But, with only a few minutes, I will have to do that later. "Happy Birthday, Collin."
The reason I'm writing is because my emotions have been ALL OVER the place this week. And, Monday, I had a complete break down! I had a headache that I'd had for about 7 days, a project that I am in charge of at Collin's school was looming over me with a few more details to work out, and Collin's birthday and party were coming up. The house was messy, clothes to be put away, TOT supplies to get together, and blah, blah, blah. You get the picture.
On top of all of that, my emotions concerning family and this new life were bottoming out. I could just feel the heaviness of financial, job and house stress, a comfortable friendship lost, and the certainty of routine spinning out of control. Then, my grandmother passed away. This passing is not sad in the least bit, because we had to say "goodbye" to our Mamaw years ago. She is finally free and well today. But, still, there are emotions involved when a loved one leaves.
Well, here's the thing. Keeping it together is "my thing". It's what I do and who I am. Whatever the problem is, I can handle it. And, when I can't, I get completely frustrated with myself which only adds to the stress. So, Monday night, I had a crying session. A big one! It wasn't pretty, but it felt good.
Immediately, my headache began to fade. It was a great reality check needed to remind me that what we have gone through is VERY big. There is no way to minimize it. And, I am operating, DAILY, under a pretty significant stress level. So, when other things -- small things -- pile in, I have to be careful.
But, I came away with some questions. I've been writing here and journaling on my own about where I am in life. I've boasted of the Lord's goodness and the strength that He provides me with daily. I've expressed the fact that He is providing above and beyond what I could have ever hoped or imagined. So, in the middle of my fit, I felt fake. I felt as if I'd just been writing/saying words over the last 6 months; because, when the stress crept it, I fell apart.
This morning, though, I came across a scripture in Psalms that has given me peace.
Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
Who have set their hearts on the pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength,
till each appear before God in Zion. Psalm 84: 5-6
What I've experienced with the Lord has been very real. And most days, He has granted me a strength that I can't describe not only to live this life, but to REALLY enjoy it. But, there are days when I can't get past the fleshly person that I am. I bottom out, and I need a break.
The encouragement of this Psalm is that, in my most fragile state, I can look back at the times that God has granted me strength and look with anticipation to the next time that He will do the exact same thing.
From strength to strength.
So, my heart is set on this pilgrimage -- the one that God has chosen for me. And, I know that my strength is in Him. Thank goodness! Because, Monday night is only one indicator that this pilgrimage is headed south if it's my strength we're counting on.
The reason I'm writing is because my emotions have been ALL OVER the place this week. And, Monday, I had a complete break down! I had a headache that I'd had for about 7 days, a project that I am in charge of at Collin's school was looming over me with a few more details to work out, and Collin's birthday and party were coming up. The house was messy, clothes to be put away, TOT supplies to get together, and blah, blah, blah. You get the picture.
On top of all of that, my emotions concerning family and this new life were bottoming out. I could just feel the heaviness of financial, job and house stress, a comfortable friendship lost, and the certainty of routine spinning out of control. Then, my grandmother passed away. This passing is not sad in the least bit, because we had to say "goodbye" to our Mamaw years ago. She is finally free and well today. But, still, there are emotions involved when a loved one leaves.
Well, here's the thing. Keeping it together is "my thing". It's what I do and who I am. Whatever the problem is, I can handle it. And, when I can't, I get completely frustrated with myself which only adds to the stress. So, Monday night, I had a crying session. A big one! It wasn't pretty, but it felt good.
Immediately, my headache began to fade. It was a great reality check needed to remind me that what we have gone through is VERY big. There is no way to minimize it. And, I am operating, DAILY, under a pretty significant stress level. So, when other things -- small things -- pile in, I have to be careful.
But, I came away with some questions. I've been writing here and journaling on my own about where I am in life. I've boasted of the Lord's goodness and the strength that He provides me with daily. I've expressed the fact that He is providing above and beyond what I could have ever hoped or imagined. So, in the middle of my fit, I felt fake. I felt as if I'd just been writing/saying words over the last 6 months; because, when the stress crept it, I fell apart.
This morning, though, I came across a scripture in Psalms that has given me peace.
Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
Who have set their hearts on the pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength,
till each appear before God in Zion. Psalm 84: 5-6
What I've experienced with the Lord has been very real. And most days, He has granted me a strength that I can't describe not only to live this life, but to REALLY enjoy it. But, there are days when I can't get past the fleshly person that I am. I bottom out, and I need a break.
The encouragement of this Psalm is that, in my most fragile state, I can look back at the times that God has granted me strength and look with anticipation to the next time that He will do the exact same thing.
From strength to strength.
So, my heart is set on this pilgrimage -- the one that God has chosen for me. And, I know that my strength is in Him. Thank goodness! Because, Monday night is only one indicator that this pilgrimage is headed south if it's my strength we're counting on.
Saturday, February 25
Living Well
After last week's lengthy post, I determined that I WAS NOT going to blog again until I had something light-hearted and FUN to write about. There is plenty of fun to speak of, so I don't know why that decision wouldn't have been an easy one to stick with.
I'm not sure that this is going to feel light or fun by the end. But, I'm going to at least begin that way.
Caleb's team played their first game of 2012 last night. We absolutely love our baseball team, and we LOVE baseball season. So, we were all pretty excited all day yesterday. Caleb was practicing his pitching in the yard. And, although his season hasn't begun yet, Collin wanted some pop flies he could "dive for".
It was really too cold for baseball, and I'll spare you all of the details of the game. But, at the end, Caleb's coach sent him in to pitch. Now, I believe that Moms just know these things... I looked at Caleb on the mound, and I could tell that this was not going to be pretty. If there was one word I could have used to describe him at that moment it would have been DEFEATED! Yet, he hadn't even begun.
Again, I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't even remotely pretty. We ran out of time and lost the game 8 to 5. We got back in the truck and rode home with a teary 9 year old -- the same one who was extremely excited just a couple of hours earlier. Why? Because he had in his mind how things were going to go and he did not live up to those expectations. He began to say one condemning thing about himself after another.
The entire time home, Scotty and I were talking to him. There were many things said. But, the gist of our message to him was that we don't care if he throws 100 balls and 0 strikes, we want him to believe in himself. We were trying to understand why it was he felt defeat before he had ever begun. And, I believe the answer is that Caleb wants do things WELL. He wants to SUCCEED. And, sadly, in the mind of our 9 year, that means PERFECTION! So, Scotty and I have our work cut out for us as we continue teaching him how to do his best without expecting to be perfect.
But, this morning as I was still thinking about our night, I realized that wanting to do well is a desire of mine also. Now, I couldn't care less about throwing balls or strikes in a baseball game. My family and childhood friends will tell you that I never really cared about doing well in my athletic performance on a softball field or any other kind of field. But, at LIFE, I want to do WELL.
For sure I want to be a great wife and mother. I'm so thankful for the jobs that I have that I truly love and enjoy. And, I want to minister where I can with a joyful heart.
But, if I could be even more honest...
I want to completely TRUST when everything around me seems uncertain. When Scotty is still searching for a job, our house hasn't sold, and we still don't have clear direction about staying or moving, I want to demonstrate unwavering TRUST, and I want to do it well.
I want to totally FORGIVE even when the world might say that I have every reason to hold a grudge forever. I believe that God is calling me to a level of forgiveness that will seem almost crazy to the world. I believe that I'm being called not only to forgive but to ask for forgiveness in return. While some may see me as a victim -- and by many standards I guess I am -- God has shown me my sin and lack of awareness. I had some sort of relationship with each person that has hurt me. These were people that I lived with, walked with, studied with, and had fellowship with on a regular basis. So, why did I not recognize the emotional and spiritual state they were in that led to the sins committed against themselves and me? I'm working on an answer to that question. But, for starters, I lived in a bubble and let myself become detached from the spiritual needs of others. I'm called to minister in this world. To do so, I've got to ask God to guide me through all of my relationships. I want to completely FORGIVE and be humble enough to ASK FOR FORGIVENESS, and I want to do this well.
I want to LOVE unconditionally. I'm not just talking about within my family. These people are easy to love. I'm talking about the people who make it so hard to love them. The bitter, the angry, the negative, the mean, the immature, the misguided... I want God to show me how to see them as He sees them. I want to live with understanding that this life is TOUGH, and some people don't deal with that well. I want to be able to LOVE in such a way that these difficult people are driven to the ONE who heals anger, bitterness, negativity... the ONE who gives direction. And, I want to do this well.
God sees the heart, so He knows that sometimes I've done well and many times I've failed miserably. I know that I've got a long way to go in living well!
So, my 9 year old and I aren't much different. And, there's nothing wrong with wanting to do well. We just have to figure out how to turn our 'want to' into an action. I'm going to leave his issues up to his coaches. I'd be absolutely NO help in that area.
But, for me, I've found this scripture in Psalm 25 that has become my daily prayer. If I'm going to do this life well, God's going to have to show me HIS ways.
"Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long."
I'm not sure that this is going to feel light or fun by the end. But, I'm going to at least begin that way.
Caleb's team played their first game of 2012 last night. We absolutely love our baseball team, and we LOVE baseball season. So, we were all pretty excited all day yesterday. Caleb was practicing his pitching in the yard. And, although his season hasn't begun yet, Collin wanted some pop flies he could "dive for".
It was really too cold for baseball, and I'll spare you all of the details of the game. But, at the end, Caleb's coach sent him in to pitch. Now, I believe that Moms just know these things... I looked at Caleb on the mound, and I could tell that this was not going to be pretty. If there was one word I could have used to describe him at that moment it would have been DEFEATED! Yet, he hadn't even begun.
Again, I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't even remotely pretty. We ran out of time and lost the game 8 to 5. We got back in the truck and rode home with a teary 9 year old -- the same one who was extremely excited just a couple of hours earlier. Why? Because he had in his mind how things were going to go and he did not live up to those expectations. He began to say one condemning thing about himself after another.
The entire time home, Scotty and I were talking to him. There were many things said. But, the gist of our message to him was that we don't care if he throws 100 balls and 0 strikes, we want him to believe in himself. We were trying to understand why it was he felt defeat before he had ever begun. And, I believe the answer is that Caleb wants do things WELL. He wants to SUCCEED. And, sadly, in the mind of our 9 year, that means PERFECTION! So, Scotty and I have our work cut out for us as we continue teaching him how to do his best without expecting to be perfect.
But, this morning as I was still thinking about our night, I realized that wanting to do well is a desire of mine also. Now, I couldn't care less about throwing balls or strikes in a baseball game. My family and childhood friends will tell you that I never really cared about doing well in my athletic performance on a softball field or any other kind of field. But, at LIFE, I want to do WELL.
For sure I want to be a great wife and mother. I'm so thankful for the jobs that I have that I truly love and enjoy. And, I want to minister where I can with a joyful heart.
But, if I could be even more honest...
I want to completely TRUST when everything around me seems uncertain. When Scotty is still searching for a job, our house hasn't sold, and we still don't have clear direction about staying or moving, I want to demonstrate unwavering TRUST, and I want to do it well.
I want to totally FORGIVE even when the world might say that I have every reason to hold a grudge forever. I believe that God is calling me to a level of forgiveness that will seem almost crazy to the world. I believe that I'm being called not only to forgive but to ask for forgiveness in return. While some may see me as a victim -- and by many standards I guess I am -- God has shown me my sin and lack of awareness. I had some sort of relationship with each person that has hurt me. These were people that I lived with, walked with, studied with, and had fellowship with on a regular basis. So, why did I not recognize the emotional and spiritual state they were in that led to the sins committed against themselves and me? I'm working on an answer to that question. But, for starters, I lived in a bubble and let myself become detached from the spiritual needs of others. I'm called to minister in this world. To do so, I've got to ask God to guide me through all of my relationships. I want to completely FORGIVE and be humble enough to ASK FOR FORGIVENESS, and I want to do this well.
I want to LOVE unconditionally. I'm not just talking about within my family. These people are easy to love. I'm talking about the people who make it so hard to love them. The bitter, the angry, the negative, the mean, the immature, the misguided... I want God to show me how to see them as He sees them. I want to live with understanding that this life is TOUGH, and some people don't deal with that well. I want to be able to LOVE in such a way that these difficult people are driven to the ONE who heals anger, bitterness, negativity... the ONE who gives direction. And, I want to do this well.
God sees the heart, so He knows that sometimes I've done well and many times I've failed miserably. I know that I've got a long way to go in living well!
So, my 9 year old and I aren't much different. And, there's nothing wrong with wanting to do well. We just have to figure out how to turn our 'want to' into an action. I'm going to leave his issues up to his coaches. I'd be absolutely NO help in that area.
But, for me, I've found this scripture in Psalm 25 that has become my daily prayer. If I'm going to do this life well, God's going to have to show me HIS ways.
"Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long."
Saturday, February 18
Daily Bread
"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23
Well, I'm still studying the book of Exodus.I LOVE studying this book, and I love it for so many different reasons. But, today I'm struck by the main reason... every time I read a chapter from this book, God teaches me something brand new through His people, the Israelites.
This morning, it was rainy, cold and yucky outside. I got to sleep a little longer than usual. So, I went to my chair, pulled out my Bible and turned to Exodus chapter 16. Manna and Quail.
God's chosen people are wandering through the desert to a land that God has promised them... A land flowing with milk and honey. But, so far, they've struggled to find food and been led to water that was bitter! Now, God never forgot them (although I'd say who could blame Him if He had because they grumbled so much), and He performed a miracle to make the bitter water sweet. He then led them to a land of springs and palm trees which provided the Israelites with peace, rest and COMFORT!
Once again, chapter 16 opens with the Israelites complaining and wishing to be back in Egypt where they NEVER went hungry... you know, their glorious life of SLAVERY!
Anyway, God answers their complaints with a promise that He hands to them through Moses. He tells Moses,
"I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day." (verse 4)
I guess you can see which parts of this message meant so much to me... "each day" and "that day".
In other words, God is telling His people that He will meet their needs, but He is going to do it on a daily basis. They were going to have to trust that even though they had NOTHING for their next day's meal at night, there would be "bread from heaven" the next morning.
For the most part, I don't know what this feels like. I know there are people in the world that honestly DO NOT know where their next meal will come from. And, thankfully, I haven't been in that position. But, lately, I HAVE been in the position of NEEDING God's provision of love, strength and compassion on a daily basis. And, He has provided perfectly EVERY time.
There have been nights that I have fallen asleep thinking about someone, and I would feel like those thoughts would consume me. In those moments, I'd begin to think of the next day and all of the places I might possibly run into that person. Those moments are few and far between, but they are still there. I have to deliberately give those moments to God and beg for redirection. And, guess what? The next morning dawns with new mercies... enough for THAT day!
You see, I'd like for God to just do one GIANT work and rid me of all insecurities, fears, hates, etc. And, then, I could just go on with life healed and prepared for each new day. I'd give Him the glory! I promise.
But, I think He wants to teach ME the same thing that He wanted to teach the Israelites... dependence on Him. DAILY!!! What if He dropped all of the manna that they would need for their journey in one night. And, the next morning, they were to gather all they would need and find a way to store it. Do you think that every time they went to the stored manna they would thank their Heavenly Father who had provided for them?
Maybe. But, I doubt it.
God knows us so well! He knew that even though He'd asked them to gather only enough for THAT day, some would try to hoard the manna. Miraculously, any extra manna rotted and began to stink by the next day. No. This wasn't a lesson in saving and hoarding, this was a lesson in TRUST. Clearly, the Israelites NEEDED this lesson. And, I'm so glad, because I need it too.
We want to feel self sufficient. We need to feel capable. And, while those things aren't terrible, they are sometimes our downfall.
I wonder how many nights those Israelites had to fall asleep worrying and fretting over what they'd eat the next day before they began to fully trust that there would be manna on the ground? Of course, I don't know the answer to that question. I'd like to think there were at least a few of them that never worried. Surely, there were a couple that rested their heads and fell asleep anticipating the morning meal simply because the Father said it would be there. I'd be willing to bet that the majority had to SEE the proof of God's faithfulness before trust took over fear.
I'm pretty hard headed, but I'm getting there. I won't attempt to make you believe that I live out my days without fear or worry. But, I'll tell you this... I live more days like that than I ever have before. And, do you know why... Because day after day, my "manna" is there.
Each and every morning.
New mercies.
GREAT is HIS faithfulness.
There's one other point that I want to make. The Israelites had to GATHER their own manna. God did not drop it right into their tents. They had to go out and get what they needed for that day.
Spiritually speaking, we must do the same thing. God promises ALL of the grace and mercy that we need to get through ANY situation common to this world. But, we have to be willing to trust Him to walk us through. We have to be willing to DO what He asks us to do in our tough situations.
I love what Beth Moore says, "I finally understood the nature of God's mercy and grace. They are always there, available every day, prior to our need, and in direct proportion to every moment's demand; but we must gather them. That part is completely our responsibility."
I can't sit back with arms crossed and wonder why I'm not receiving new mercies every day when I haven't...
Forgiven where He's asked me to forgive.
Trusted where He's asked me to trust.
Studied what He's asked me to study.
Given what He's asked me to give.
This list could go on an on, but I think you get the idea. We can't just sit back apathetically waiting for transformation in our lives. Let's actively pursue the One who transforms.
"I am the LORD, your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it." Psalm 81:10
Well, I'm still studying the book of Exodus.I LOVE studying this book, and I love it for so many different reasons. But, today I'm struck by the main reason... every time I read a chapter from this book, God teaches me something brand new through His people, the Israelites.
This morning, it was rainy, cold and yucky outside. I got to sleep a little longer than usual. So, I went to my chair, pulled out my Bible and turned to Exodus chapter 16. Manna and Quail.
God's chosen people are wandering through the desert to a land that God has promised them... A land flowing with milk and honey. But, so far, they've struggled to find food and been led to water that was bitter! Now, God never forgot them (although I'd say who could blame Him if He had because they grumbled so much), and He performed a miracle to make the bitter water sweet. He then led them to a land of springs and palm trees which provided the Israelites with peace, rest and COMFORT!
Once again, chapter 16 opens with the Israelites complaining and wishing to be back in Egypt where they NEVER went hungry... you know, their glorious life of SLAVERY!
Anyway, God answers their complaints with a promise that He hands to them through Moses. He tells Moses,
"I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day." (verse 4)
I guess you can see which parts of this message meant so much to me... "each day" and "that day".
In other words, God is telling His people that He will meet their needs, but He is going to do it on a daily basis. They were going to have to trust that even though they had NOTHING for their next day's meal at night, there would be "bread from heaven" the next morning.
For the most part, I don't know what this feels like. I know there are people in the world that honestly DO NOT know where their next meal will come from. And, thankfully, I haven't been in that position. But, lately, I HAVE been in the position of NEEDING God's provision of love, strength and compassion on a daily basis. And, He has provided perfectly EVERY time.
There have been nights that I have fallen asleep thinking about someone, and I would feel like those thoughts would consume me. In those moments, I'd begin to think of the next day and all of the places I might possibly run into that person. Those moments are few and far between, but they are still there. I have to deliberately give those moments to God and beg for redirection. And, guess what? The next morning dawns with new mercies... enough for THAT day!
You see, I'd like for God to just do one GIANT work and rid me of all insecurities, fears, hates, etc. And, then, I could just go on with life healed and prepared for each new day. I'd give Him the glory! I promise.
But, I think He wants to teach ME the same thing that He wanted to teach the Israelites... dependence on Him. DAILY!!! What if He dropped all of the manna that they would need for their journey in one night. And, the next morning, they were to gather all they would need and find a way to store it. Do you think that every time they went to the stored manna they would thank their Heavenly Father who had provided for them?
Maybe. But, I doubt it.
God knows us so well! He knew that even though He'd asked them to gather only enough for THAT day, some would try to hoard the manna. Miraculously, any extra manna rotted and began to stink by the next day. No. This wasn't a lesson in saving and hoarding, this was a lesson in TRUST. Clearly, the Israelites NEEDED this lesson. And, I'm so glad, because I need it too.
We want to feel self sufficient. We need to feel capable. And, while those things aren't terrible, they are sometimes our downfall.
I wonder how many nights those Israelites had to fall asleep worrying and fretting over what they'd eat the next day before they began to fully trust that there would be manna on the ground? Of course, I don't know the answer to that question. I'd like to think there were at least a few of them that never worried. Surely, there were a couple that rested their heads and fell asleep anticipating the morning meal simply because the Father said it would be there. I'd be willing to bet that the majority had to SEE the proof of God's faithfulness before trust took over fear.
I'm pretty hard headed, but I'm getting there. I won't attempt to make you believe that I live out my days without fear or worry. But, I'll tell you this... I live more days like that than I ever have before. And, do you know why... Because day after day, my "manna" is there.
Each and every morning.
New mercies.
GREAT is HIS faithfulness.
There's one other point that I want to make. The Israelites had to GATHER their own manna. God did not drop it right into their tents. They had to go out and get what they needed for that day.
Spiritually speaking, we must do the same thing. God promises ALL of the grace and mercy that we need to get through ANY situation common to this world. But, we have to be willing to trust Him to walk us through. We have to be willing to DO what He asks us to do in our tough situations.
I love what Beth Moore says, "I finally understood the nature of God's mercy and grace. They are always there, available every day, prior to our need, and in direct proportion to every moment's demand; but we must gather them. That part is completely our responsibility."
I can't sit back with arms crossed and wonder why I'm not receiving new mercies every day when I haven't...
Forgiven where He's asked me to forgive.
Trusted where He's asked me to trust.
Studied what He's asked me to study.
Given what He's asked me to give.
This list could go on an on, but I think you get the idea. We can't just sit back apathetically waiting for transformation in our lives. Let's actively pursue the One who transforms.
"I am the LORD, your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it." Psalm 81:10
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