There's really no way for me to share with you the fear involved in NOT knowing what the next moments would look like. Even years into recovery, the difficulties still caused questions and uncertainty. For me, when parts of the pain were still present a year or two after confession, I'd be struck by this question... Can I do this forever?
P.S. -- The enemy is REALLY good at making us think the good is temporary but the difficult is forever.
It would be impossible to tell you how unbearable it was to PUBLICLY experience the pain, the suffering, the uncertainty, the devastation, and the shock WHILE those around us gloated, schemed, and cast judgement over our future.
It would be IMPOSSIBLE, because THAT wasn't our experience!
Now, I'm not so naive that I believe there weren't those people. But, they aren't who I remember. Scotty and I were fortunate! We were surrounded by an ARMY of believers warring on our behalf and encouraging us to do the same. What a blessing! (By the way, THANK YOU again to SO MANY.)
Today, another believing family is facing similar emotions. I realize the situation is different. These are FAMOUS believers. The sin has more history and more depth. Regardless, they are in a MESS. And, I'm telling you, it's a SCARY mess. I can't weigh in on the situation any more than that... Life is HARD, and the choices of this well known husband/father has made his family's life EVEN HARDER. For that, I pray GRACE AND MERCY. I pray HEALTH AND HEALING. And, I pray JESUS, COME QUICKLY.
My thoughts today have less to do with this family and more to do with this question, Why is it our NATURAL tendency, as believers, to rejoice (a little or a lot) over the BIG sins of those around us? Why does that seem to PUFF UP our egos? And, the big question,
Why don't we realize the SIN in that???
God has done this AMAZING thing for me, and it began a few years ago. It's amazing EVEN THOUGH it kind of made me mad for a while! He's been showing me MY SINS every time I try to focus only on Scotty's. Isn't THAT crazy? Can you even imagine? Each and every time I want to focus on this HUGE sin my husband committed... betrayal to our family... God points out the sin that is my very own.
Does that sound mean? Sometimes, it FELT mean! But, it might be the thing I'm most grateful for in our story. Now, please don't hear me say that God has shown me sin that CAUSED my husband to fail. You ARE NOT hearing that! Sin doesn't work like that. I could say more! I won't. :)!
But, over the years, God has shown me MY OWN WAYS that are detrimental to living the life I SAY I want to live. In other words, what I WANT out of life and what I GIVE to life don't always match.
I'll just give you one example...
In my home, with the people I love most, I have this GREAT difficulty LIVING OUT what I'm learning from God. I get up early in the morning. I spend time with God and His Word; and, most mornings, I feel like He's done a work in my heart. Then, I walk out of my room and into the kitchen where my husband and three precious children are readying for the day. Many days (not every day), I'm quickly overtaken by this irritation, simple moodiness, or an absurd frustration. And, by gosh, I want them to KNOW IT! So, these emotions will be seen on my face and heard in my actions. There you have it, selfishness, moodiness, ungratefulness, and distrust all wrapped up in one scenario.
Now, I'm not being too hard on myself. I'm not going to wallow in disgust over my moodiness and ungratefulness. But, I AM going to acknowledge that it is SIN. Left untreated, it COULD create pain in my marriage and family JUST AS DAMAGING AS Scotty's sin of adultery. And, every time my human reasoning tries to say, "You are NOT going to liken moodiness to adultery," I'm staring in the face of another relationship-destroying sin... PRIDE!
Can you see the arrogance? What would cause me to DESIRE to focus on the pain caused by a "larger" sin in another person when I KNOW words hurt, unreasonable voice tones can be alarming, and (oh my goodness) unusually tense or rough body language is downright confusing? I'll tell you...
Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18
This has been an ongoing work within me... God is CONSTANTLY pushing and prodding. He's forcing me to truly FEEL the depth of my own sin. He's allowing me to see the ways my own life history has created these distancing tendencies. And, while the PROCESS has been grueling, it's been extremely rewarding. It's brought me to a greater dependence on HIM. It's caused me to recognize that my WORDS don't matter a bit if I can't WALK THEM OUT on a daily basis, with the people I love, in the relationships He's given. It's HARD! But, it's BEAUTIFUL!
So, when the news hit that ANOTHER believing brother had fallen to sexual immorality, I cringed. I was momentarily tempted to cast stones. I wanted to put myself beside him in comparison (yucky pride!) and sigh a bit of relief that I don't have THAT sin to repent of. But, I can't! My own human-ness is too exhausting to focus on another's. The ground is COMPLETELY LEVEL at the throne of grace. And, thank goodness, because I NEED my fair share.