I hope this post can be beneficial in some way. God willing it will be, not for my sake, but all those who have been hurt by my choices, my sin, my shame, and my regrets.
One of the darkest hours in our marriage was when I called Amy on Friday, August 26, 2011 around 10:15 am, to tell her I had been unfaithful to her. It was like an earthquake hit our lives, our marriage, our family and even our community. The pain was and is deep. On August 28, 2011, I resigned publicly from the church, and we started the process of sorting through, picking up and repairing the pieces of our broken life.
The words, "I am sorry" seem so inadequate. The pain I have caused Amy is very real, deep and long term. The extent of my sin and choices even surprised me. I knew I was capable of much sin, but this...this was beyond what I ever imagined. The darkness I had lived in, the shame, the fear, the anger, the regret and the guilt all came out and in the open that day. No more hiding. It was out and there was no denying it, running from it or blaming anyone. I was guilty as charged and had to face it head on.
I want you to know that I have told Amy repeatedly how sorry I am. Not because I got caught. But because of what I have done to her, our marriage, our family, and many others. I can never say that "I have always been faithful to Amy." I can't take it back. That is very difficult to admit and live with. My regrets are many in number.
By the grace of God, Amy and I are still married and actually growing closer as a couple. We have never once said we wanted a divorce. We have never even separated. That fact alone is a testimony of God's grace, her faith in Him, and the result of many prayers being answered. I KNOW that she had (and has) every reason to leave me. Who would have blamed her? I am SO thankful for her sticking with me. I am so grateful that God has enabled us to stay together, and work through this process. Someday by His grace, we will be fully healed, whole and see His amazing plan fulfilled. We never say that God wanted this to happen, but we know He can make something amazing come out of it. That's our prayer for sure.
Since August 26, Amy and I have walked a painful road that has been up and down. We have experienced the presence, peace and grace of God like never before in our lives. There is much baggage to sort through and pain and loss to be faced and grieved; however, God has shown up in so many ways as you have probably read about in Amy's previous blog posts.
God has broken through on so many levels. He has broken me down, humbled me, and forced me to face my sin, shame, and say NO MORE!! I have realized more and more that shame will never set me free; only He can set me free. Trusting Him and surrendering fully to Him is my only chance of healing and restoration.
This coming Friday will be (7) seven months since I told Amy. The emotional turmoil that Amy has to face daily and "take every thought captive unto Christ" reminds me that it is still so early in the process. Pray for her strength to face her thoughts, emotions and feelings, while abiding in Christ. Pray for us to face this head on and fully give it to God. By His grace, we will stay married and even continue to thrive as a couple. We know it is a journey that will take years. We want to honor God for His name sake, our sake, our kids sake, and even for our community and beyond.
Thank you for loving Amy and encouraging her throughout this process. I have seen how her blog speaks words of hope and encouragement to so many, including myself. She is the real deal. May God be glorified through her life, even more than it has already.
Because of Him,
Scotty
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