Living Well

After last week's lengthy post, I determined that I WAS NOT going to blog again until I had something light-hearted and FUN to write about. There is plenty of fun to speak of, so I don't know why that decision wouldn't have been an easy one to stick with.

I'm not sure that this is going to feel light or fun by the end. But, I'm going to at least begin that way.

Caleb's team played their first game of 2012 last night. We absolutely love our baseball team, and we LOVE baseball season. So, we were all pretty excited all day yesterday. Caleb was practicing his pitching in the yard. And, although his season hasn't begun yet, Collin wanted some pop flies he could "dive for".

It was really too cold for baseball, and I'll spare you all of the details of the game. But, at the end, Caleb's coach sent him in to pitch. Now, I believe that Moms just know these things... I looked at Caleb on the mound, and I could tell that this was not going to be pretty. If there was one word I could have used to describe him at that moment it would have been DEFEATED! Yet, he hadn't even begun.

Again, I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't even remotely pretty. We ran out of time and lost the game 8 to 5. We got back in the truck and rode home with a teary 9 year old -- the same one who was extremely excited just a couple of hours earlier. Why? Because he had in his mind how things were going to go and he did not live up to those expectations. He began to say one condemning thing about himself after another.

The entire time home, Scotty and I were talking to him. There were many things said. But, the gist of our message to him was that we don't care if he throws 100 balls and 0 strikes, we want him to believe in himself. We were trying to understand why it was he felt defeat before he had ever begun. And, I believe the answer is that Caleb wants do things WELL. He wants to SUCCEED. And, sadly, in the mind of our 9 year, that means PERFECTION! So, Scotty and I have our work cut out for us as we continue teaching him how to do his best without expecting to be perfect.

But, this morning as I was still thinking about our night, I realized that wanting to do well is a desire of mine also. Now, I couldn't care less about throwing balls or strikes in a baseball game. My family and childhood friends will tell you that I never really cared about doing well in my athletic performance on a softball field or any other kind of field. But, at LIFE, I want to do WELL.

For sure I want to be a great wife and mother. I'm so thankful for the jobs that I have that I truly love and enjoy. And, I want to minister where I can with a joyful heart.

But, if I could be even more honest...

I want to completely TRUST when everything around me seems uncertain. When Scotty is still searching for a job, our house hasn't sold, and we still don't have clear direction about staying or moving, I want to demonstrate unwavering TRUST, and I want to do it well.

I want to totally FORGIVE even when the world might say that I have every reason to hold a grudge forever. I believe that God is calling me to a level of forgiveness that will seem almost crazy to the world. I believe that I'm being called not only to forgive but to ask for forgiveness in return. While some may see me as a victim -- and by many standards I guess I am -- God has shown me my sin and lack of awareness. I had some sort of relationship with each person that has hurt me. These were people that I lived with, walked with, studied with, and had fellowship with on a regular basis. So, why did I not recognize the emotional and spiritual state they were in that led to the sins committed against themselves and me? I'm working on an answer to that question. But, for starters, I lived in a bubble and let myself become detached from the spiritual needs of others. I'm called to minister in this world. To do so, I've got to ask God to guide me through all of my relationships. I want to completely FORGIVE and be humble enough to ASK FOR FORGIVENESS, and I want to do this well.

I want to LOVE unconditionally. I'm not just talking about within my family. These people are easy to love. I'm talking about the people who make it so hard to love them. The bitter, the angry, the negative, the mean, the immature, the misguided... I want God to show me how to see them as He sees them. I want to live with understanding that this life is TOUGH, and some people don't deal with that well. I want to be able to LOVE in such a way that these difficult people are driven to the ONE who heals anger, bitterness, negativity... the ONE who gives direction. And, I want to do this well.

God sees the heart, so He knows that sometimes I've done well and many times I've failed miserably. I know that I've got a long way to go in living well!

So, my 9 year old and I aren't much different. And, there's nothing wrong with wanting to do well. We just have to figure out how to turn our 'want to' into an action. I'm going to leave his issues up to his coaches. I'd be absolutely NO help in that area.

But, for me, I've found this scripture in Psalm 25 that has become my daily prayer. If I'm going to do this life well, God's going to have to show me HIS ways.

"Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long."