Yet, here I am. I've chosen (again) to open up about struggles that exposed my need to deal with emotional and spiritual dysfunction. Maybe you're asking, "Why now?" The difficulty we are facing collectively has reminded me that negative life circumstances always expose places in our hearts that need to be healed. I want to be an encouragement to walk the yucky road to health and healing, because the Church (the Body of Christ) needs more and more healthy individuals. We'll continue to make messes everywhere we go until we join together and submit to be more like Christ.... even in the spaces of disappointment.
So, that's what happened to me. Life turned upside down. Everything I thought I knew about my life and my family was suddenly shaky and uncertain. I was leveled in every way; physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Hear me, this was a GOOD thing. It caused me to reject everything that was meaningless and temporary to focus on the meaningful and eternal.
The first step in my healing process was to lean in to truth of God's Word. Oh how I wish I could write the first step in my healing with more glamour and surprise. Nope! God kept it pretty basic. Actually, God made it very basic, "You want to hear what I have to say, read my Word."
I've always been a lover of Bible studies. One of my favorite things in life is to start a new study written by an author I love with a new group of ladies. I enjoy reading scripture along with hearing how others interpret that scripture. I'm incredibly grateful for every study, because they definitely prepared me for hard seasons. When life shifted in a big way, though, God called me to adjust the way He and I worked through scripture.
I put aside the workbooks and group studies to commit to my own journey into scripture with Jesus as my only guide. He didn't speak to me audibly, but I knew God was telling me that my time alone with Him would include only my Bible and plain sheets of notebook paper. I have no idea how many sheets of notebook paper I used during these years of begging God to heal my heart. I have countless journals filled with His scripture and my questions. I do know that reading His Word and journaling the honesty of my thoughts and feelings about them became my lifeline.
Thy testimonies also are my delight; They are my counselors.
Psalm 119:24
I can testify to the absolute truth of this verse, because God spoke to me through the reading of His Word. In 2012, after Scotty's confession, I committed to read through the Bible for the first time. I'm embarrassed to say that's the first time I've even attempted it. Reading God's plan from start to finish and experiencing the goodness of His gospel in the lives of early believers began the process of recreating my heart. It was like the written Word was just for me which allowed me to experience the Word that became flesh, Jesus, just for me. He was my counselor! I've shared these words by Matt Chandler in this blog before, but I want to share them again, because this is the reality of what happened between Jesus and me as I read, journaled, and prayed to be well,
"Even if you love Jesus Christ, it is very possible - even probable - there will be days and seasons where your tears and your snot are your only food. Days where you - in a ball on the floor - can't think weekly or monthly or it would CRUSH you. There will be days where the thought of having to endure longer than today feels impossible. And, I'm talking about those that LOVE Jesus Christ.... The beauty of the gospel is NOT that in trusting Christ everything goes like you want it to go. The beauty of the gospel is that we get GOD regardless of our circumstances and HE IS ENOUGH!"
Studying God's Word with a broken heart allowed me to experience the beauty of the Gospel completely. The darkness of my circumstances created the perfect backdrop for God, through Jesus, to show me His goodness, His salvation, and His light in a way I'd not experienced before.
It may seem simple, but it's the truest thing I know to share. If life and all of its darkness has left you feeling broken beyond repair, you may be set up to experience the sufficiency of God like never before. When God has become enough regardless of the situations and circumstances around, health and healing are sure to follow.
The Lord is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation.
Psalm 118: 14
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