Sift, Lord.... Again!

I've tried and tried to figure out how to make the next stop in the journey towards emotional and spiritual healing. I've struggled because there are a few places where I could camp out and talk about the lessons God has taught me over the past 9 years.

The problem is that I kept get caught up with this one thought, "Who are you kidding? You're still learning, so what would you teach?"

That thought isn't something I'm willing to call the "enemy's tactic," because it is truth. It really is. I keep circling the same kinds of lessons, struggles, and imperfections. I came home from work and left to take a walk, because (thank you, Jesus) this weather is absolutely beautiful. I was listening to a sermon that made me realize there's only one more lesson in the healing journey that I need to share. It's a pretty simple lesson but it's the hardest thing I've ever done. It's also the portion of the lessons that has to be repeated again, and again, and again..... as long as we live.

To be fully and completely well in our soul, to be whole in Christ, we absolutely have to cooperate with Him all the way Home. We must submit and surrender to each and every lesson He wants to teach, and we must trust that if He's allowing a crushing lesson He has a purpose in it that is for our good.

Thankfully, I don't need to write this lesson, because God brought to mind that we've already written about this. I certainly needed to read it, though. See, a few short weeks after Scotty's confession in 2011 I wrote the following words, and I'm even more convinced of this message's truth today:

Sift, Lord, Sift -- September 22, 2011

"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." 

Luke 22: 31-32

I have a favorite Bible study writer.... Beth Moore. Those of you that read this blog know that. I have several favorite studies of hers. One of them is When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. I've done that particular study 4 times!!! And, now, I'm doing it a fifth time! Each time, God has ministered to me in a different way through Beth's message and God's Word. This time, each day's study is exactly what I need for that day. 

The most powerful lesson so far is a study of Peter's sifting. Peter was a pretty big New Testament player. In fact, Christ called him the Rock that He would build the church upon. However, Peter also had some struggles. He rebuked Jesus for telling him that He (Christ) would have to endure sufferings, he had quite the temper, cut off the ear of a soldier and at his very lowest denied Christ three times! As a matter of fact after Peter was told that He would play a key role in the building of Christ's church, Jesus had to say to him, "Get behind me, Satan!" 

Yes. Peter had struggles. But, as the verse at the top of this post points out, Peter had more than just struggles. He was facing Satanic attack. And what Beth Moore points out in her Bible study is that Satan must gain permission to launch a full scale attack on one of God's children. The obvious question here is "Why?" Well, I believe that if God allows it, there is a purpose. He knows that HE can work all things together for good.

I may be losing some of you. Please understand that I am NOT saying that God caused the sins that have done serious damage to my marriage and our family. No way! This was NOT his plan for our marriage. BUT, can He use it? Absolutely. And He already is. 

The point is that sometimes warfare enters a believers life because, just like Peter, there is something in that life that needs sifting. Peter's devotion to Christ was pure even though the rest of his character needed a little work. And, the only reason that God would grant Satan permission to 'sift Peter like wheat' is... Something needed sifting! Today, why would God allow someone with a whole hearted, sincere, and pure devotion to Christ to get caught in the snare of demonic seduction? I LOVE Beth's answer, even though it sort of makes me shudder...

"Because, not unlike Peter, something needs removing, sifting, changing that an intense encounter with the kingdom of hell would best accomplish."

Do you have chills? Satan got used! That makes me smile. Maybe there IS a competitor deep within me, because the fact that there are occasions when Satan thinks He is winning a battle only to find out he was USED to accomplish God's greater purpose makes me want to stand up and fight. I want to be a part of the winning team!

One more thing... I realize that I wasn't the one caught in Satan's lies. It may seem unfair to some that I must reap the consequences when the attack and sift was meant for Scotty. In other words, if there was something in Scotty that needed removing, couldn't He have used something that would have affected only Scotty. Let me answer that. I will not know God's ultimate purpose this side of heaven. But here's what I do know... My Heavenly Father LOVES me! And, He would not have allowed these horrible things to have happened to me if He could not turn them into good for me! In the process, I could use a good sifting as well. I believe that and I trust Jesus! So, it is in that trust that I say, "Sift, LORD, sift!"

And, there you have it.... the next and final lesson in the journey to healing is to know and understand that God will continue His work in us until we are complete. Siftings are necessary and siftings are good. The tricky part is that we only get to read about one of Peter's. I'm proof that siftings happen on an ongoing basis. Just as soon as I've made progress in one area, God decides we can work on another area. The best news, though, is that He allows the siftings so that we will cling more closely to Him. He wants us close. The healthier we become, the quicker we will surrender to His way.

We Need Help to Heal!

I've been reading a lot lately. Usually, I'm working my way through a book during quiet time moments. The books that catch my attention are written with the purpose of teaching skills, practices, and habits that lead to purpose-filled living in Christ.

Over and over, these books have shown me that healthy Christian living requires slowing down to process all that life throws at us. On repeat, I've read the pleadings of authors asking believers to stop and analyze thoughts and experiences against God's Word and the past. Our present is linked to our past, and it seems necessary to make time to process and make sense of it all together.

Early on, though, I found out that it's really hard to do that alone. We have an Enemy that doesn't want us well. He will send one obstacle after another to distract us from a healthy focus. On top of that, I can be my own worst enemy, because I don't possess the proper set of tools to navigate through past disappointment in a way that is helpful to today's purpose.

There's nothing glamorous about it, and most of the world still doesn't endorse it, but in my journey towards healthier living, I've needed professional help.

If you've followed this blog for long, you know that Scotty and I received intensive therapy shortly after his confession. I've always tried to be honest about the fact that we continued with therapy throughout those early years of healing. I'm sure many would be surprised to learn that shortly after our move to Florida, we realized that we needed counseling again. In fact, in recent months, we've waded through the deep waters of intensive therapy again. We may need professional counseling in some form or fashion for life.

I'm really OK to admit I've needed help, because the Bible is clear that there's wisdom in receiving it.

Without consultation plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed. 

Proverbs 15:22

A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out.

Proverbs 20:5

Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory.

Provers 11:14

Now, I have some wise and Godly friends, and I've leaned on them for help and support during difficult times. But, I've also needed to lean on the professionals, and I'm certain I wouldn't have been able to survive the darkness of my emotional responses to life without their help. 

Right now, we are in the middle of a worldwide pandemic. The scare of this virus is affecting everyone differently; however, we are all being pushed beyond normal limits. Quarantine is the perfect storm for emotional breakdowns, because most of the usual distractions have been stripped away. I've noticed that my inconsistent routine, closeness with the people in my home, and increased stress and anxiety all around me has provided the perfect space for the "not so sanctified" parts of my heart to bubble to the surface. 

You too? Good, because it would be awful if I was alone in my imperfection. Can I suggest that this is a really wonderful place to be? When God allows our imperfections to rise to the surface, we are wise to begin to cooperate with Him for healing. Exposure is a good thing! While all the world is despising the situation we are in, wishing for the normal distractions to return, and spinning out of control in worry and fear, we could rest in our Savior's arms. We could allow Him to deal with past hurts and disappointments in a way that brings understanding to present anxiety and frustration.

Getting help from counselors and friends has brought life to me. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I can't even imagine what my life would look like right now if I'd tried to find healing alone or pretended I didn't need help at all. So, as long as I live I will sing the praises of therapists, counselors, and life coaches, and I'll beg my friends and family to find help from a Christian professional. 

Rebekah Lyons says, calling is where your talents and burdens collide. I believe that! Often, we need help to navigate through the burdens, the struggles, the mistakes, and (sometimes) the trauma in order to find purpose. But, healed pain will always lead to purpose. The process hasn't always been fun, but it's been completely worth it. I'm so thankful for the help I've received. 

But, the time is coming  -- indeed it is here now -- when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth. The Father is looking for those who will worship him that way.

John 4: 23-24

First Stop in the Journey to Spiritual Health

I have to be honest. It's tough to commit to writing about the journey towards emotional health when the road has been rocky at best, painful beyond words for the most part, and devastating at its worst. Also, the road towards health began with difficulty and who really wants to talk about that?

Yet, here I am. I've chosen (again) to open up about struggles that exposed my need to deal with emotional and spiritual dysfunction. Maybe you're asking, "Why now?" The difficulty we are facing collectively has reminded me that negative life circumstances always expose places in our hearts that need to be healed. I want to be an encouragement to walk the yucky road to health and healing, because the Church (the Body of Christ) needs more and more healthy individuals. We'll continue to make messes everywhere we go until we join together and submit to be more like Christ.... even in the spaces of disappointment.

So, that's what happened to me. Life turned upside down. Everything I thought I knew about my life and my family was suddenly shaky and uncertain. I was leveled in every way; physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Hear me, this was a GOOD thing. It caused me to reject everything that was meaningless and temporary to focus on the meaningful and eternal.

The first step in my healing process was to lean in to truth of God's Word. Oh how I wish I could write the first step in my healing with more glamour and surprise. Nope! God kept it pretty basic. Actually, God made it very basic, "You want to hear what I have to say, read my Word."

I've always been a lover of Bible studies. One of my favorite things in life is to start a new study written by an author I love with a new group of ladies. I enjoy reading scripture along with hearing how others interpret that scripture. I'm incredibly grateful for every study, because they definitely prepared me for hard seasons. When life shifted in a big way, though, God called me to adjust the way He and I worked through scripture.

I put aside the workbooks and group studies to commit to my own journey into scripture with Jesus as my only guide. He didn't speak to me audibly, but I knew God was telling me that my time alone with Him would include only my Bible and plain sheets of notebook paper. I have no idea how many sheets of notebook paper I used during these years of begging God to heal my heart. I have countless journals filled with His scripture and my questions. I do know that reading His Word and journaling the honesty of my thoughts and feelings about them became my lifeline.

Thy testimonies also are my delight; They are my counselors. 

Psalm 119:24

I can testify to the absolute truth of this verse, because God spoke to me through the reading of His Word. In 2012, after Scotty's confession, I committed to read through the Bible for the first time. I'm embarrassed to say that's the first time I've even attempted it. Reading God's plan from start to finish and experiencing the goodness of His gospel in the lives of early believers began the process of recreating my heart. It was like the written Word was just for me which allowed me to experience the Word that became flesh, Jesus, just for me. He was my counselor! I've shared these words by Matt Chandler in this blog before, but I want to share them again, because this is the reality of what happened between Jesus and me as I read, journaled, and prayed to be well, 

"Even if you love Jesus Christ, it is very possible - even probable - there will be days and seasons where your tears and your snot are your only food. Days where you - in a ball on the floor - can't think weekly or monthly or it would CRUSH you. There will be days where the thought of having to endure longer than today feels impossible. And, I'm talking about those that LOVE Jesus Christ.... The beauty of the gospel is NOT that in trusting Christ everything goes like you want it to go. The beauty of the gospel is that we get GOD regardless of our circumstances and HE IS ENOUGH!"

Studying God's Word with a broken heart allowed me to experience the beauty of the Gospel completely. The darkness of my circumstances created the perfect backdrop for God, through Jesus, to show me His goodness, His salvation, and His light in a way I'd not experienced before. 

It may seem simple, but it's the truest thing I know to share. If life and all of its darkness has left you feeling broken beyond repair, you may be set up to experience the sufficiency of God like never before. When God has become enough regardless of the situations and circumstances around, health and healing are sure to follow. 

The Lord is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation.

Psalm 118: 14

Thoughts for Easter Weekend

Happy Easter, everyone. 

What an awesome day! This is a day where Christ-followers get to openly share our beliefs. We don't have to censor or hide. We get TODAY to display the gospel story fully. 

Anyone who is in Christ is a new creation. The old life is gone and new life has begun. 

2 Corinthians 5:17

This verse is a favorite of mine on any day but especially on Easter Sunday. Because Jesus lived a perfect life, died a cruel death for my sin, and raised to life 3 days later, I get new life too. The Gospel is an invitation to join Jesus in real life. 

More than a few years ago, I began looking for reasons WHY I didn't see many believers living the truth that is spelled out so clearly in this verse. If the invitation of the Gospel is to live with the power that raised Christ from the dead inside of us every minute of every day then WHY isn't there a more noticeable difference in the lives of believers?

Before you think I had these thoughts while standing in judgement of other Christians, let me assure you that I was actually looking in the mirror. WHY couldn't I live my own life with less irritability, fear, frustration, and bitterness?

At that time, Scotty and I were in the middle of rebuilding our family. We believed God had a plan to not only save our marriage and family but to redeem everything that had caused us pain in it. During that process, God led us to see that we'd need to be emotionally healthy in order to fully cooperate in God's plan. Since I wanted to experience all of His good and perfect plan, I committed over and over to obey His steps in it. 

Somewhere along the way, a passion grew within me and I began praying for God's people to become emotionally and spiritually healthy.... that we'd learn to deal with the broken places in our lives in helpful and healing ways. Then, I felt that God was asking me to commit to a process of health and healing so that I could lead others. Yikes!

I sit here today, on Easter Sunday, and I'm thankful for this process. Jesus and I have been on a journey. I'd love to call it an adventure, but I feel like that sounds too glamorous. It's been grueling, people. While I haven't nearly arrived, I see glimpses of victories that I'd like to share. There's good news in the process! But, first I have to share the bad news.

When I think about the emotional work I've done with Jesus, it reminds me of the image I have of Easter Saturday. No one ever talks about this day in the realm of Easter weekend. Good Friday was sad, or even scary. Jesus' death on the cross exposed a great loss, a serious need, and a lot of fear. Easter Sunday was good and beautiful. The resurrection declared redemption, light, and life for all who would believe. But, what about Saturday?

For me, the imagery of that day represents my journey to health and healing. On the first Easter Saturday, Jesus followers must have felt clueless, lost, confused. What do you do when everything you've believed in and believed for is buried in the dark, when death has taken over? For them, Saturday was a day. During my lifetime, I've experienced seasons of confusion, darkness, and death. 

I'm afraid we aren't willing to sit in those Saturday seasons long enough to find true healing with Jesus. Sunday is so much brighter, so we prefer to just jump there. You know.... Friday happened, but Sunday is coming. It is! But, let's do the work of Saturday first. 

My journey may look different than yours. The exposure that my "Fridays" have brought may be different than you've experienced. But, I believe the steps Jesus has walked me through (and will continue to walk me through) could be the same for everyone. I've journeyed through enough dark Saturday seasons and made in to the beauty of Sunday's redemption to know that the hard work is always worth it. 

I believe in the importance of these lessons so much that I want to share them with you. Over the next couple of weeks, I want to go all the way back to the beginning of this search for emotional health and share what God has taught me. I believe it will help me to write them down, and I believe the lessons could be helpful to you or your friends as well. If you'd consider joining me, subscribe so that posts will be delivered right to your email. 

I can't let this Easter Sunday pass without saying to anyone that might be stuck in a Saturday season to hold onto hope. Please do it! Hope is your weapon. I can't tell you how long it will be until you see the light of Sunday, but I know that it is coming. Stay in the fight, and stay tuned over the next few weeks! I want to share what has been helpful in my own fight for freedom, health, and wholeness in our risen King Jesus. I'm sure it won't be easy, but I know we can do it together. 

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And, this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. 

Romans 5: 3-5

Heal My Heart, Jesus

Sunday mornings looks a little different these days. We're in our PJ's, and we're eating breakfast while we tune in to worship. I miss my people, but I kind of love this experience.

We aren't really a family of musicians. Music isn't our thing, but a powerful worship song is still a huge part of "church." This week, our worship team led in an older song, Hosannah (Hillsong).

As soon as the first note was played, I remembered early 2011. One of the first times I heard this song on the radio, God's Spirit caused the lyrics to waken my spirit in a powerful way. I can't really describe what happened, but the message of this song caused deep emotion within me each and every time, and I was led to pray asking God to do what only He could do. I didn't even understand what was happening or what I was asking.

Later that year, Scotty and I experienced a crisis. In the early days of that life-changing event, I was driving home from the gym when the song began to play and specific words caused me to break down. I needed to pull over, because the emotion was so great....

These are powerful words with a beautiful message, but that's not why I was so emotional. My tears came from a place of shock and awe in a God that caused me to identify with words in a song long before my soul could realize my need for them. In the Spring of 2011, I believe the Spirit of Jesus led me to pray these words for myself and my healing as I sang along with a worship song. 

Later that year, God honored my little (and very uninformed) prayer. He began healing my heart by allowing it to be broken. He opened my eyes to things I'd not seen before, and He called me to walk away from my earthly focus with eyes fixed on eternity. But, He did it through crisis, and struggle, and pain. 

I wonder how many times I've prayed words God's Spirit led me to pray and then refused to cooperate in His answer because it was hard. I've been so guilty of missing the mark, because I wanted to believe God's ways are always neat and tidy. Why have I been so easily lured into believing God's path has to be pretty?

The most beautiful lessons I've learned have come through brokenness. 

My heart's healing began with painful experiences and every one has been worth it. 

Experiencing life with eternal vision is a process, and that process is often difficult.

I don't know if you're in the middle of something hard. If you are, please don't bail. Listen to this song on repeat. Pray the words I've included in the image and pray them over and over. It turns out the Bible really is TRUTH, and God's ways really are higher than our ways, (Isaiah 55: 8-9). He's very likely doing a beautiful, healing thing in our hearts. Let's stick it out and trust Him together. 

Without a doubt, I know that God's most amazing works are the ones His Spirit does inside of me, and I never want to miss them. 

Obey: Confusion to Clarity

Over the last few years, I've experienced the exact opposite of clarity. My brain has been in a fog. Our family has been running with our hair on fire to the next day, the next game, the next ministry opportunity, the next (you fill in the blank).

It's all been fun, and I'm extremely grateful for the experiences. As 2019 came to an end, though, my heart began to feel like there had to be something more. In fact, I knew there was something more. I just didn't know where we could possibly fit it. We were going to have to figure out how to do less in order to find the more.

That's when the "foggy brain" took over. For me, doing less always feels like disappointing someone, letting others down, or seeming inadequate. I hate admitting it. But, when I can't think clearly, it's usually because attempting to think for others blocks my ability to think for myself.

Then, God decided we'd all do less... a LOT less..... often nothing at all. And, He decided no one would be immune. The scare of Co-Vid19, practice of social distancing, and quarantine has forced all of us to operate with much less activity.

I know we are all experiencing things differently right now. I realize that many of you are experiencing varying forms of loss, and I do sympathize with that. Still, I have to confess that the shut-down has been amazing for me. Because I can't do the million things each day that had become our normal routine, God has opened my mind to see things with clarity.

For over a year, I've felt the gentle nudge to begin writing again. If you've visited me here before, you know that I've never claimed to be a "real" writer. I just found that it's a good way for me to organize my thought life while sharing lessons God has taught me. Very few things have brought me more joy than encouraging others with something I've learned in a difficult season.

Since 2008 (very off and on), I've shared Bible truths and lessons using my own personal stories, pictures, failures, and wins. Because God is gracious and mighty to use the simple minded and weak, He's miraculously instructed others with my words.

So, here we go, friends. I exercised bold courage this week by asking two friends for help. (This is a post for another day, but I've never really asked for help well.) They both agreed! By the end of my 45th birthday, I had a new set of family pictures and a beautiful new blog design. Thank you, girls!

There's one thing I know to be true about God's will, His plans, and His steps for my life..... He will not direct the next step until I obey the one that's already been given. Without a doubt, I believe I've had difficulty making clear decisions, because I've hesitated to do what I know God has been leading me to do.

Something else I believe to be true about God's will, His plan, and His steps for my life is that His way always leads to LIFE, but I have to choose it.

Choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants.

Deuteronomy 30:19

I want to choose life for me and for my descendants. I also want to choose life for those placed in my care and to whom I have the opportunity to speak. I would love for you to join me in this adventure. I'm committing to write as the Lord leads and teaches. Maybe you need to commit to follow along. 

Doesn't our God have wonderful timing? Currently, I can't meet with my people face to face for Bible study. So, I'll have plenty of time to teach right here. We can learn together, pray together, and be accountable to live the full, abundant LIFE together.

I would love it if you'd join me!

"Happy birthday, Mom."