Every December since 2003, I have put together a family calendar to commemorate the year's in pictures. Then, we use that calendar as our Christmas gift for both sides of the family. We started this tradition the year Caleb was born. Twenty years later, it has stuck.
I love it! I'm so thankful to have at least a few gifts that we don't have to think about. Also, once the calendar is done, it is a joy to flip through and enjoy the pictures throughout the next year. That's a win/win and probably the reason I keep doing it.
January is Caleb's birthday month, so it usually has a solitary picture of him on a baseball field. Over the past few years, that picture has been stolen from his social media account. He just outgrew picture taking for us a long, long time ago. March is Collin's month. We typically have more than one picture for Collin and one can never quite be sure what his pictures will include. He does, however, like to check his page and approve of the pictures before the calendar is printed. July is Claire's month. Without fail, her page is filled with the maximum number of pictures a layout will hold, and we have to make sure all of Claire's people show up with her on the July page; Claire with Mom, Dad, both brothers, her cousins, her friends, her animals, etc.
When I flipped the calendar from June to July this year, I experienced an interesting wave of emotion. Claire is turning 16. SIXTEEN, y'all! Our little girl is turning into a young woman, and with the flipping of a calendar page I was flooded with memories of her entry into this world.
See... Claire was a big surprise to her Dad and me. Scotty has one sister. I have one sister. Two kids is all either of us ever planned to have. However, Thanksgiving of 2006 I felt sick and tired and restless in every way. I had no idea what was going on, but I was miserable celebrating with family while trying to chase WILD little boys. I'll never forget the night I sat straight up in my bed and realized the last time I felt so terrible was in the beginning of my pregnancy with Collin and before that Caleb. There was simply no way and it could not be possible.... except that there was a way and it absolutely was possible. I took a test the next day and made plans to tell Scotty that baby #3 was on the way.
Both of us were in shock, but I got excited about a third baby pretty quickly. In my heart I was sure it was a boy even though I didn't think I'd survive it. Boys were all I'd known. I was terrified, because these two little boys had begun chasing, fighting, and jumping, and wearing me out in every way. Still, I couldn't imagine having a girl.
A couple of months later, we went in to find out that the baby in my belly was in fact a GIRL! Again, shock. Later, we felt sheer joy and excitement. Then, (and I've never said this out loud), I felt slight FEAR & some PANIC.
In my heart of hearts, I believe I knew that a baby girl was going to force me to deal with all of my insecurities, fears, and inconsistencies. I couldn't have put it into words, but I knew deep down in my soul that I was about to venture into a process towards health and healing, because I wanted to parent a daughter that could be secure and truly confident.
It seems silly now, but the main area of concern for me was weight and body image. All of my life, I'd grown up around messages of weight. Everyone I knew was always on a diet. Of course, magazines and TV gave us unrealistic images constantly. But, I'm talking about the messages in my personal world. Everyone's self confidence seemed to hinge on what size clothes they were wearing at that time. I had inherited an obsession with wight. I don't think it consumed me, but I was weary of it. With two boys, I could have hidden it. With a girl, I could pass it on or I could seek to be free. I prayed. I journaled. I asked God to expose and heal. I begged Him to rescue me from any unhealthy thoughts so that I could gift my daughter with an acceptance of our bodies as beautiful gifts from God.
I was 31 years old at the time. Let's be honest, I didn't know what I didn't know. I certainly had no way of knowing this particular phrase or idea. But, I began to understand that I couldn't give to Claire what I hadn't earned for myself. The moment I knew I was carrying a girl in my tummy, my heart began to seek wholeness. It wasn't a prayer. It wasn't even a knowing. It was a curiosity for something more. I wanted more for her; therefore, I needed more for me. God took the brand-new desire, multiplied it, and has strengthened me to follow Him every time I've uncovered a new place where healing is necessary.
So, a couple of weeks ago, I turned the page from June 2023 to July 2023 and a flood of images of a beautiful young lady with all of her people flooded my eyes. I was overwhelmed! She is not perfect and neither is her mom. But, she and I together have done some hard things. We've covered difficult ground. We've had hard conversations and prayed for the strength to have more. Together, we love our people BIG. I am offering her strength, confidence, a sound mind, and wise instruction from overflow of what God has given to me. I was created to give away the glory of what God deposits in me, and it is a joy to cooperate. My kids have taught me this lesson!
Living within you is the Christ who floods you with the expectation of glory! This mystery of Christ, embedded within us, becomes a heavenly treasure chest of hope filled with the riches of glory for his people, and God wants everyone to know it! Colossians 1:27 (TPT)
As much as we love our kids and want best for them, we simply cannot give them what we don't possess. BUT, there's good news! We get to grow up with them. When we notice they need more from us than we have to give, we simply surrender to the reality that we are still learning how to live in this world. We can be thankful God gave us brains that can change, grow, mature. Christ lives within us, so potential is unlimited and time never runs out.
I'm happy to announce I am still growing up at 48 years old! When we light Claire's candles and sing "happy birthday" to the 16-year-old, I will do it with a grateful heart. Her life has been an invitation to a whole, new way of living for me. The thought of her opened my eyes to the need for more; more freedom, more confidence, more dependence on a Savior that leads to the fullness of life in every way.
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| Here's to another year of growth, baby girl! We'll do it together. :) |
