This year, I'm committing to reality at all costs. That just has to apply to my faith life as well. Realistically, I don't know if I picked these words and ran with them or if I really did feel God pointing each to word meticulously and strategically. Either way, though, I am pretty confident He used my focused attention on one word each year to teach me more about Him, His world, and His daughter (me).
I just haven't always liked what I learned.
That is the piece of the journey I'm preparing to write about. Goodness gracious I pray I can do it in summary form. That's my goal, and that is why I'm covering three years in one post.
Don't you think imagine is a wonderful word? I do! Well, I did when I claimed it for 2019. Coming out of my year of "freedom," I was genuinely excited about what God had for me to imagine. I'm not an overly creative person. Let's be clear... I'm not creative at all! So, I spent several months feeling overwhelmed by the word in general.
Soon, I came to realize that imagine sounded a lot like what if....
What if I lived every moment believing that God had more for me than I could even think or imagine? (yes, please.)
What if I wasn't so guarded and could truly receive the goodness God would offer me through others... maybe even new others? (scary, but ok.)
What if freedom wasn't just a word in my Bible but the way I get to live each and every moment of my life? (what does that even mean? I want to know!)
The whole year was a series of "what ifs." I ended the year with so many struggles, so many questions, and a whole lot of confusion.
I wonder if God's kindness sometimes looks like confusion in the mind of a believer simply because He has a life for her that she isn't capable of seeing with her current eyes, thought processes,
and theology?
Thankfully, God led me to the word awaken in 2020. "Great," I thought, "I'm going to wake up from this fog I'm living in!"
Well, this virus thing happened in 2020 that I do not care to talk about here, but the "fog" continued. In late January, I had the opportunity to participate in a counseling intensive. During that time, I had no idea how God was waking me up. I was sleep-walking through life and didn't even know it. I had carefully and intentionally designed a life of;
making daily decisions based on what other people told me was right and would possibly make me look right in their eyes.
squashing my feelings/emotions in any confrontation if my feelings/emotions would negatively affect anyone I cared about.
refusing to really dig into the faith I proclaimed to believe for the sake of following the simple traditions handed to me as a very young girl.
never stopping to ask the question, "Is this what I really want for me?"
I wish I could tell you that I wrapped up the year wide awake and with full clarity for the future. I did not! Added to my confusion was God's uncovering of the word surrender for 2021.
I can honestly say I have never cussed at God. I will also readily admit that I wanted to when surrender became my yearly focus. Do you see those italicized sentences above? Isn't that a lot of surrender? Haven't I given enough?
As it turns out, surrender looks like a wrestling match when you have a control issue. God and I spent the year wrestling it out, because He asked me to lay down some things I couldn't believe He'd ask me to part from. I wonder if you've had similar ideas.....
I thought I was supposed to be sacrificing myself fully for the people I love. Actually, Jesus already did that. Part of loving Him with my whole heart, mind, and strength means that I focus some of my time and energy on me. I had to surrender the need to rescue and over care.
I thought certain relationships were supposed to be mended at all costs. Isn't that the "kind" thing? Apparently, kindness in the hands of a control freak can turn into enabling fairly easily. I had to lay down the need to always be seen as kind and helpful. Sometimes I can't be, and kindness is letting other people figure out their own lives.
I thought every, single thing I'd been told in my Southern Baptist upbringing was the Gospel Truth straight from the Bible. With great love and respect for my history and all who taught it to me, I had to give up some beliefs I've held for over 40 years. I love Jesus, and I follow Him. Sometimes, that looks different than what I was taught it looked like.
OK. So, what in the world? What do I do with all of this. If anyone is still reading, what do you do with it?
A prayer that I've often prayed for myself is that God would give me the mind of Christ. I want to think like He thinks, make decisions like He would make, understand at least some of the mystery as He does.
Imagine
Awaken
Surrender
I won't pretend to have arrived with the mind of Christ. However, I've participated with God for a three-year season where He was transforming my mind. These three words speak to a mind's overhaul.
For me, confession and repentance have looked like imagining a different way, awakening to how my beliefs, my actions, my sin are the impasse to His new way, and surrendering myself and others to the change God wants to make.
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then, you will be able to test and prove what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2
Yes, Lord, this is what I want. Keep working in and through me. As painful as it is, I've found it to be the only meaningful work. It leads to the fullness of joy, and I want more!
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