When I was pregnant with my boys, I prayed specifically that they'd be more like my sister than me concerning how they lived in the world. I asked God to make them assertive, to cause them to know what they want and know how to express it.
My sister was always more assertive than me. She had opinions, and she spoke up for herself. It never really dawned on me to have my own opinions. Alyson knew what she wanted, and she knew when an adult was asking her to do something she didn't necessarily want to do. It was fascinating to me. Looking back, it seems like a better way to live, and I wanted my kids to live with that kind of freedom.
Even as a young girl, I knew that I was probably the easier child to parent, to teach, and to influence. As a mother preparing to give birth, I knew that being easier to manipulate didn't necessarily prepare me for the world. I wanted children that could be world changers. As a 28-year-old conformist, I knew they'd need more of a questioning and assertive spirit for that.
Well, God answered my prayers!! There have been days (you have no idea how many days) I've wondered why in the world I would have prayed such a thing. Life would have been easier, less embarrassing, prettier if I'd had boys that operated in our family and in life like I did growing up.
But, here's the thing, I would have missed out on all of the lessons our mess-ups (theirs and mine) have brought. Because these boys are so head strong, I've had to beg God to teach me to mother at every new season. Thankfully, He's allowed me to see some things through their eyes. In His perfect way, God has used their struggles to demonstrate His lessons for me.
In all of this, though, one question has played on repeat in my head throughout their high school years. I can't get past it! It causes me to over process all that I do, and it burdens my heart for the children and teenagers that we are collectively raising,
Why do we expect more from our young people than we expect for ourselves?
I can't speak for every environment. But, I live, work, and operate mostly in Christian cultures, and I'm afraid I see it over and over again.
We tell our children to be kind to those they come in contact with. It is the Christian way, and we don't have to like everyone, but we have to be kind to everyone. But, our children see us, the adults, griping and complaining. Our news feeds are full of hateful memes and angry messages. We've taught Matthew 5 in our churches and Christian classrooms,
You have heard do not murder, and whoever murders will be subjected to judgment. But I say to you that anyone who is angry with a brother will be subjected to judgment. And, whoever insults a brother will be brought before the council, and whoever says, 'Fool' will be sent to fiery hell. (verse 21-23)
But, our own adult lives have demonstrated that these verses may not be true if we disagree with a sister or brother. You know, if someone's perspective is "stupid" or "ridiculous" then we can be angry with them. We can call them "fool" or any other word we want to call them. We can laugh at, mock, or publicly ridicule. "They've" earned it. Right?
I wonder if our children are confused?
We tell our children that gossip and slander are sinful. They really shouldn't talk about people behind their backs. It's not what Jesus would want us to do. Then, we notice people living like we don't think they should live, and we spend countless hours analyzing and dissecting their choices. Of course, we'd disguise our gossip as concern or prayer request. But, let's be honest, it's gossip. It doesn't concern us. You know what's even more harmful? We talk about teenagers and their poor choices like we're labeling inmates for prisons. Nevermind that they're doing some of the same things WE did only a few years ago. Our sins just weren't slathered across social media. The adults in our lives couldn't see the messiness, so they couldn't weigh in with their "concern" and hatefulness. Man, am I grateful for that!
I wonder if our children are hurt?
We tell our children not to fear. We remind them that the Bible tells us not to fear 365 times. Then, we read a statistic, see something in the news, or are faced with something we need to do that could be uncomfortable, and we allow our anxiety and fears to run wild. We make regular decisions based on "what if" rather than following the Holy Spirit in an adventure.
I'm more reserved by nature, so my fears may not be out loud and public. When I'm feeling anxious, it looks more like a drill sergeant gone wild. In my fear and angst I try to manage and control everyone around me. I start barking orders and issuing threats that never work on headstrong teenagers. And, I'm glad they don't. Fear is a bully. Just because I'm allowing it to bully me doesn't mean it should get to wreak havoc in my home.
But, I wonder if it causes my children to resent me and my orders?
Our Bible is very clear. When the external doesn't match the internal it's called hypocrisy. When words don't match actions, Jesus called our deeds worthless. He's much more interested in the heart. I've grown to realize that our teenagers share that interest. They couldn't care less about what we say if it doesn't line up with what they see.
I can scream that I love Jesus on a daily basis, but if it doesn't affect the way that I treat people, love my husband, teach my classes, or order my life, my words are pretty much worthless.
This is exactly why I've loved (and sometimes hated) having teenagers. They keep me humble, and they keep me honest. They also keep me searching for better ways. I don't want my hypocrisy to cause confusion that would lead to sin. It's so interesting to me that the Church will readily use the argument that we can't drink publicly because it could cause someone to stumble. But, we won't address the fact that our hypocrisy in the face of our children could cause resentment, leading to anger, leading to sin,
....but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea. Matthew 18:6
That's serious. Maybe that's why it's weighing so heavily on me. Yes. There's an age of accountability, and our children (as they age) will be accountable for their actions. But, since I'm in a position to influence young lives, I feel great conviction to lead with me life.
I want them to love their neighbors, so I'm going to love others in a big way.
I want them to obey God and not worry about what the world around them thinks, so I'm going to "keep my eyes on my own paper" and worry only with what God calls me to do. I can't police the behavior of everyone else. I refuse to try.
I want them to see the grace of God on a daily basis, so I'm going to hand out kindness and grace like it's candy. At least I'm going to try. I want to offer grace even when it feels offensive to me.
I want hearts to be transformed by the Gospel of Jesus Christ. So, I'm going to pray like my life depends on it, because only the Holy Spirit can accomplish that. And, since I teach that He is bigger than any sin, any mess, and any mistake, I'm not going to freak out over a sin, a mess, or a mistake.
I really want to live like I believe the truths that I teach, because I believe our little ones (and teenagers are still little ones even if they don't want to be) are always watching.
