Another Birthday/Another Post on Adulting

Twenty-one years ago today, I was living my last day without children. I mean, I very clearly had a child. My stomach was giant, and I waddled more than walked. As an elementary school teacher, I NEVER sat behind my desk until the last student walked out of my room. However, for the previous week, I'd found every reason I could think of to spend most of my day in my seat. I was a mother, and my child was directing my steps, but I'd not met him yet. 

Tomorrow, that child turns 21. He will be called "an adult." A truer statement, though, might be that his mom has become an adult. Really! Being a mother has offered me another chance to change, develop, and mature in word, deed, and action. Isn't that what growing up is? And, did I really have the tools to do that when I was a child? 

So, I'm reflecting. If I can be considered an adult mother tomorrow. What have I learned? I am incredibly happy you asked! :) 

1. Sacrificing my body, my schedule, my finances, my LIFE for another human being requires a kind of surrender that children don't have. In every space I've rebelled against the sacrifice OR sacrificed with complaining, I've exposed my own childishness. There is zero shame in that. But, in those spaces there is an invitation to ask God for help. 

Being an adult takes humility. 

2. Guiding smaller humans in the way they should go is tricky. Although I've wanted guidance to mean controlling where they go in order to protect them from all harm, I think that's the opposite of what was intended. I know it's the opposite of what's proven helpful. In fact, when I've given my children the space to make their own choices and then come alongside them if those choices brought difficult, embarrassing, or painful consequences, we've both learned lessons that require mistakes being made. 

Being an adult takes guts.

3. Teaching children what they need to know in order to be responsible citizens of the world is a giant task and probably the one I was most excited about. Just ask anyone who knows me how much I love to teach a lesson. Sometimes, though, I simply don't know the material. I'm not talking about Calculus or Physics when they needed help in school. I'm talking about a fight with a friend, a loss on the field, or a missed opportunity. When I don't know the answers to the lessons I think I'm supposed to be teaching, I tend to feel lost, irresponsible, and invaluable. Maybe the hardest part of growing up is admitting we're still growing up.... we still don't have all the answers. 

Being an adult takes honesty. 

So, to all the parents out there with one or more children over 21, let's raise our glasses (literally, because we're parenting adults now) to reaching for the humility, guts, and honesty it's taken to mature with our children. 

For those of you that follow God and love Jesus, let's thank Him for allowing us to be in process as His children. Since He is our everlasting Father, we get the privilege of being everlasting children.... even as adults. 

Now, may the God of peace and harmony set you apart, making you completely holy. And may your entire being - spirit, soul, and body - be kept completely flawless in the appearing of our Lord Jesus, the Anointed One. The One who calls you by name is trustworthy and will thoroughly complete his work in you. 

1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 (TPT)

It's Never Too Late to Grow Up!

Every December since 2003, I have put together a family calendar to commemorate the year's in pictures. Then, we use that calendar as our Christmas gift for both sides of the family. We started this tradition the year Caleb was born. Twenty years later, it has stuck. 

I love it! I'm so thankful to have at least a few gifts that we don't have to think about. Also, once the calendar is done, it is a joy to flip through and enjoy the pictures throughout the next year. That's a win/win and probably the reason I keep doing it. 

January is Caleb's birthday month, so it usually has a solitary picture of him on a baseball field. Over the past few years, that picture has been stolen from his social media account. He just outgrew picture taking for us a long, long time ago. March is Collin's month. We typically have more than one picture for Collin and one can never quite be sure what his pictures will include. He does, however, like to check his page and approve of the pictures before the calendar is printed. July is Claire's month. Without fail, her page is filled with the maximum number of pictures a layout will hold, and we have to make sure all of Claire's people show up with her on the July page; Claire with Mom, Dad, both brothers, her cousins, her friends, her animals, etc. 

When I flipped the calendar from June to July this year, I experienced an interesting wave of emotion. Claire is turning 16. SIXTEEN, y'all! Our little girl is turning into a young woman, and with the flipping of a calendar page I was flooded with memories of her entry into this world. 

See... Claire was a big surprise to her Dad and me. Scotty has one sister. I have one sister. Two kids is all either of us ever planned to have. However, Thanksgiving of 2006 I felt sick and tired and restless in every way. I had no idea what was going on, but I was miserable celebrating with family while trying to chase WILD little boys. I'll never forget the night I sat straight up in my bed and realized the last time I felt so terrible was in the beginning of my pregnancy with Collin and before that Caleb. There was simply no way and it could not be possible.... except that there was a way and it absolutely was possible. I took a test the next day and made plans to tell Scotty that baby #3 was on the way. 

Both of us were in shock, but I got excited about a third baby pretty quickly. In my heart I was sure it was a boy even though I didn't think I'd survive it. Boys were all I'd known. I was terrified, because these two little boys had begun chasing, fighting, and jumping, and wearing me out in every way. Still, I couldn't imagine having a girl. 

A couple of months later, we went in to find out that the baby in my belly was in fact a GIRL! Again, shock. Later, we felt sheer joy and excitement. Then, (and I've never said this out loud), I felt slight FEAR & some PANIC. 

In my heart of hearts, I believe I knew that a baby girl was going to force me to deal with all of my insecurities, fears, and inconsistencies. I couldn't have put it into words, but I knew deep down in my soul that I was about to venture into a process towards health and healing, because I wanted to parent a daughter that could be secure and truly confident. 

It seems silly now, but the main area of concern for me was weight and body image. All of my life, I'd grown up around messages of weight. Everyone I knew was always on a diet. Of course, magazines and TV gave us unrealistic images constantly. But, I'm talking about the messages in my personal world. Everyone's self confidence seemed to hinge on what size clothes they were wearing at that time. I had inherited an obsession with wight. I don't think it consumed me, but I was weary of it. With two boys, I could have hidden it. With a girl, I could pass it on or I could seek to be free. I prayed. I journaled. I asked God to expose and heal. I begged Him to rescue me from any unhealthy thoughts so that I could gift my daughter with an acceptance of our bodies as beautiful gifts from God. 

I was 31 years old at the time. Let's be honest, I didn't know what I didn't know. I certainly had no way of knowing this particular phrase or idea. But, I began to understand that I couldn't give to Claire what I hadn't earned for myself. The moment I knew I was carrying a girl in my tummy, my heart began to seek wholeness. It wasn't a prayer. It wasn't even a knowing. It was a curiosity for something more. I wanted more for her; therefore, I needed more for me. God took the brand-new desire, multiplied it, and has strengthened me to follow Him every time I've uncovered a new place where healing is necessary. 

So, a couple of weeks ago, I turned the page from June 2023 to July 2023 and a flood of images of a beautiful young lady with all of her people flooded my eyes. I was overwhelmed! She is not perfect and neither is her mom. But, she and I together have done some hard things. We've covered difficult ground. We've had hard conversations and prayed for the strength to have more. Together, we love our people BIG. I am offering her strength, confidence, a sound mind, and wise instruction from overflow of what God has given to me. I was created to give away the glory of what God deposits in me, and it is a joy to cooperate. My kids have taught me this lesson!

Living within you is the Christ who floods you with the expectation of glory! This mystery of Christ, embedded within us, becomes a heavenly treasure chest of hope filled with the riches of glory for his people, and God wants everyone to know it! Colossians 1:27 (TPT)

As much as we love our kids and want best for them, we simply cannot give them what we don't possess. BUT, there's good news!  We get to grow up with them. When we notice they need more from us than we have to give, we simply surrender to the reality that we are still learning how to live in this world. We can be thankful God gave us brains that can change, grow, mature. Christ lives within us, so potential is unlimited and time never runs out. 

I'm happy to announce I am still growing up at 48 years old! When we light Claire's candles and sing "happy birthday" to the 16-year-old, I will do it with a grateful heart. Her life has been an invitation to a whole, new way of living for me. The thought of her opened my eyes to the need for more; more freedom, more confidence, more dependence on a Savior that leads to the fullness of life in every way. 

Here's to another year of growth, baby girl! We'll do it together. :) 

Journeying with Resurrected Jesus in Power

On the day Pentecost was being fulfilled, all the disciples were gathered in one place. Suddenly they heard the sound of a violent blast of wind rushing into the house from out of the heavenly realm. The roar of the wind was so overpowering it was all anyone could bear! Then all at once a pillar of fire appeared before their eyes. It separated into tongues of fire that engulfed each one of them. They were all filled and equipped with the Holy Spirit and were inspired to speak in tongues -- empowered by the Spirit to speak in languages they had never learned!

Acts 2:1-4 (TPT)

What a journey this has been! Jesus walked with the disciples on the road to Emmaus in such a unique way. After weeks of traveling with them, I'm convinced we have witnessed Jesus' response to a first century deconstruction of faith. I don't think I'm being dramatic. Wikipedia's definition of faith deconstruction is "A Christian phenomenon where people unpack, rethink and examine their belief systems. This may lead to dropping one's faith all together or may result in a stronger faith." While Wikipedia isn't the most reliable source, I think this definition describes the turmoil of the Emmaus Road disciples. 

At some point it dawned on me that this journey detailed in Luke 24 is likely a picture of what was happening in the hearts and lives of many of Jesus' followers after His death. These two disciples weren't the only ones examining and rethinking their faith, but their deconstruction (and Jesus' response to it) is the one we got to witness. In the end, the only thing that really needed a deconstruction was human expectation of who God was and how He would rescue. In life and in death, Jesus contradicted every assumption and hope for how God's chosen people would be saved. 

In his book, Leaving and Finding Jesus, Jason Clark said, "When Jesus hid in the Wayfaring Stranger on the Emmaus Road, it was so His friend's ideology, theology, eschatology, and all other ologies wouldn't get in the way of the heart-burning relational experience of God with us, God within us."

Wow! It seems the human condition is one that continuously gets in the way of its own good. "Heart-burning" relationship with God through Jesus is what we were made for. On the eternal timeline, God was preparing to send the fire of His Presence to burn within individuals. First, though, He provided this space for Jesus to encourage two disciples in their debilitating deconstruction. He didn't squelch it. He never reprimanded it, He certainly didn't leave them alone in it. He simply led them to name the faulty beliefs so that what was inside moved outside leaving room for Truth to take over. 

I've said all of that to create space for this little question.... 

I wonder how many of Jesus' followers showed up to Pentecost like the two on the Road to Emmaus; still thinking, "we had hoped that he was the one who would redeem and rescue Israel? (Luke 24:21)

Pentecost was one of the main feasts for Jewish people. It was held on the fiftieth day after Passover Sabbath, also known as the Feast of Harvest. The people that showed up for the Acts 2 Pentecost were coming to fulfill duty and tradition, and I've had to wonder if this was their attempt to go back to the path they'd always known. Had they all hoped Jesus would have been their Rescuer, but since He wasn't, they went back to waiting the way they'd always waited, with feasts, celebrations, and traditions?

I included The Passion Translation, because I love the commentary this version provided. In the Old Testament, a pillar of fire led God's people of Israel out of the bondage of Egypt and into His promise of freedom and land. This would have been a story retold for centuries. Jewish people knew it well. In Acts 2, the pillar of fire returned only this time its purpose was to lead God's people out of the bondage of Law and into the freedom of relationship through His Spirit. 

Now, though, this story isn't just for Israel. It is for all people. It is for me, and it is for you! The pillar of fire separated into tongues of fire and engulfed each person. This was new and different, y'all. 

You will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has dealt wondrously with you. My people will never again be put to shame. You will know that I am present in Israel and that I am the LORD your God, and there is no other. My people will never again be put to shame. After this I will pour out my Spirit on all humanity; then your sons and your daughters will prophesy, your old men will have dreams, and your young men will see visions. I will even pour out my Spirit on the male and female slaves in those days. I will display wonders in the heavens and on the earth. (Joel 2:26-30)

God was doing a new thing, but He'd told them He'd do it through the prophet Joel! They just hadn't expected it would happen in this way. Still, the power of God fell. And, it was for every, single one. 

Pentecost reminds us that God has invited all to His table, His family, through the finished work of Jesus Christ. What had been known only to His chosen people, Israel, has been made available to all through the power of His Spirit living and dwelling in us. 

Our journey with the resurrected Jesus has brought us to this point where we realize the journey doesn't actually end. Fear and confusion, sadness and disappointment, unmet expectation will persist on this earth, but He is with us through His Spirit. We may continue to see dimly at times, but His Spirit reminds us that we are not alone. Powerful, right? 

So, journey on in the power Christ's life, death, and resurrection provided. 

... In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth nor any other created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:37-39)

Journeying with the Resurrected Jesus with Vision

 They came near the village where they were going, and he gave the impression that he was going farther. But they urged him, "Stay with us, because it's almost evening, and now the day is almost over." So he went in to stay with them. It was as he reclined at the table with them that he took the break, blessed and broke it, and gave it to them. Then their eyes were opened, and they recognized him, but he disappeared from their sight. They said to each other, "Weren't our hearts burning within us while he was talking with us on the road and explaining the Scriptures to us?" That very hour they got up and returned to Jerusalem. They found the Eleven and those with them gathered together, who said, "The Lord has truly been raised and has appeared to Simon!" Then they began to describe what had happened on the road and how he was made known to them in the breaking of the bread. 

Luke 24:28-35

Every time I read this story, I notice something else in the wording. There are little nuggets of surprise in all of the details. Today, I have been struck by the reality that these two disciples had an awakening with the true, living, resurrected Jesus. This moment is where their lives changed forever. What they saw at the table could not be unseen, and I want moments like this in my own life. 

But, what really happened there? 

How did these disciples suddenly recognize Jesus when they'd been walking with Him in disappointment, confusion, and fear for miles? 

Why did they suddenly make a connection at the table? 

I want to know the answers to these questions so badly. I do! I want to answer them with certainty, and then make the connections to my own life so that I never miss the resurrected Jesus in my own circumstances. That is an impossibility. 

We can study this awakening, though. We can look at the details we know and uncover clues to the vision Jesus' disciples were suddenly granted. 

The obvious clue I see is that Jesus began to do what they'd seen Him do many times in His ministry. The Passion Translation says, Joining them at the table, he took bread and blessed it and broke it, then gave it to them. (verse 30)

I wish I had an actual count of how many times those words are written through the Gospels. This is what Jesus did! He provided. He blessed. And, He served. When the disciples from the road to Emmaus saw Jesus doing something they'd seen Him do before, they recognized Him. 

That recognition removed the veil from their eyes immediately. Then, they were able to look back at their journey on the road with clarity and vision. They knew they'd suspected something different about Him. Their "hearts were burning" as He spoke. But, they'd missed the reality of His presence, because Jesus wasn't doing anything they expected and nothing they recognized. Until He did.... 

I wonder what would have happened on the road if the disciples had trusted the fire they felt inside of them. If their hearts were burning as Jesus shared scripture, I wonder what they were doing with that fire. I am so curious to know what they were telling themselves that caused them to ignore what was being ignited in their spirit. 

Whatever it was, it hindered real vision.  

Still, I love the kindness and patience of our God. There was no rush to an awakening. Jesus joined the disciples on their journey. He didn't push. He didn't belittle them or disqualify them because of their lack of understanding. He was simply with them. 

Emmanuel, God with us. That is our Jesus!

I think most days I walk my own Emmaus Road journey. I trust Jesus is walking with me even though I experience sadness, confusion, and even fear. Unfortunately, there are times I don't recognize Him or what He is doing. He doesn't push. He doesn't rush me into understanding. He reminds me of Truths in Scripture. He stays with me and never leaves me. Then, as I sit in His presence, He shows me the reality of who He is. Revelation. He reminds me of what He accomplished through the cross. Awakening. He does this in a variety of ways over and over and over again. 

It's beautiful! Well, first it's as uncomfortable as it seems to have been for these disciples. Then, it's beautiful. 

I was listening to a podcast this week and the speaker said, "If I could ask for only one gift from God for the rest of my life it would be revelation." I have spent so much time thinking about these words. Without revelation (vision), we can't rightly understand God's Word, our experiences, or His direction through Holy Spirit. It seems sadness, confusion, and fear might always precede this kind of revelation and awakening. Can we hold on to our faith in the discomfort knowing a deeper understanding is on its way? 

God revealed Himself through Jesus Christ, and I want to experience new revelations of who He is until the day I step into eternity and finally see Him clearly. I will see with certainty then. For now, I want to sit in His presence asking to see with curiosity, with expectation, and with trust. I'm sure the vision and awakening will follow. 

Whatever the revelation-light exposes, it will also correct, and everything that reveals truth is light to the soul. This is why this Scripture says, "Wake up, you sleeper! Rise up from your coffin and the Anointed One will shine his light into you!" 

Ephesians 5:14 (TPT)

Journeying with Resurrected Jesus in Fear

 Moreover, some women from our group astounded us. They arrived early at the tomb, and when they didn't find his body, they came and reported they had seen a vision of angels who said he was alive. Some of those who were with us went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but they didn't see him.  Luke 24:22-24

These verses were included in last week's post. However, I pulled them out to look again. I imagine these women were full of fear as they stood near the tomb to find Jesus was missing but angels were present. In my life, fear has proven worthy of its own week of study. As much as I hate to admit it, fear has informed many of my decisions, perspectives, and general well-being. 

In his book, Voices of the Heart, Chip Dodd explained that there are 7 human emotions/feelings. These feelings are gifts because they help us live fully alive in a broken world. Each feeling offers us a benefit if we'll receive it. In other words, if we will pay attention to our feelings and ask God to show us what we can learn from them, our life will be enhanced. However, if we ignore them, our lives will be impaired.

The gift of fear is wisdom and faith. Giving fear its rightful space in our lives offers protection to us. It will teach us to plan and prepare with God. A healthy fear takes us right to Creator God. We get to express our fear, offer it back to Him, and release all control of outcomes. In that space, fear loses its power over us. On the other hand, when we don't listen to and pay attention to our fear with God, it's no longer a gift. The impairment of fear is anxiety. In an anxious state, we tend to seek our own control of outcomes. I have some first-hand experience here, and it's a tough way to live. 

In nearly every place in scripture where angels arrive, the beginning of their message is, "Don't be afraid." It occurs to me that the only reason this message would be repeated so often is because the appearance of angels was in fact scary. I don't think it is a stretch to assume the women were scared when they arrived early at the tomb to care for the body of Jesus but found He was gone and angels were there instead. 

Today, I don't want to belabor any point, because the message seems pretty clear. Even when we are intent on following Jesus, life is going to offer fear-filled experiences. I have no doubt God could have made a way for the first followers to learn of Jesus' resurrection that didn't involve surprise, unexpected, scary visitors. But, He didn't. These disciples had to experience fear, and we will too. 

I'm writing this post in the early moments of Mother's Day. I have faced no other role that offers me as many opportunities to let fear turn to anxiety than my role as a mother. Genuine love switches to anxiety and control in my heart fast. As it turns out, though, children (of any age) don't really feel loved when they detect they're being controlled. OK, BUT.... often they show up with friends, or circumstances, or words, or plans that look just as scary to me as the angels in Jesus' empty tomb must have looked to the women who arrived on resurrection Sunday. As their mom, I feel like freaking out is an appropriate response. Out of care for these people I love so much, certainly God would want me to manipulate and control so that the scary friends, circumstances, words, and plans go away. FAR away! Surely my job as their mother requires me to hold on for dear life until everyone cooperates with the safer arrangements I can make. 

Or, these fear-filled moments are invitations to open up my grip, offer the fear to God, and rest in His care. He knows the outcomes and I do not. All I can really know in the present is that He is here with me. He is with the people I love. And, His ways are better than my ways. When I sit with open hands, my heart might still experience fear. Trusting God in that fear grows a faith that leads to wisdom. 

We've taken a slight break from the Emmaus Road in order to return to the tomb where fear may have had a chance to grow into anxiety. We've taken another look in order to offer a healthier way to manage fear. 

I wonder if there's a situation in your life right now that deserves another look. Maybe this post offers an invitation to return to a previous event that was a bit scary. Could you look at it in a new way? Is God inviting you to open your grip, offer it to Him, and let go your need for safe and manageable outcomes? 

Life is an adventure! The best adventures include a little fear. What looks scary to you today? Maybe it's the thing sent to announce Jesus' presence. Like the angels, it may present in a way that creates fear. But, He is not dead. He is alive! Therefore, what causes us fear can be handled by Him. Our solution to the giant fears is to simply let go. 

I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.

Psalm 34:4-5 

Journeying with Resurrected Jesus in Confusion

 "Moreover, some women from our group astounded us. They arrived early at the tomb, and when they didn't find his body, they came and reported that they had seen a vision of angels who said he was alive. Some of those who were with us went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but they didn't see him." He said to them, "How foolish you are, and how slow to believe all that the prophets have spoken! Wasn't it necessary for the Messiah to suffer these things and enter into his glory?" Then beginning with Moses and all the Prophets, he interpreted for them the things concerning himself in all the Scriptures. They came near the village where they were going, and he gave the impression that he was going farther.  Luke 24:22-28

There is no other way for me to begin this post without telling you how much I really enjoy knowing what is going on. I like it! It's comfortable. It makes me feel safe. 

The obvious flip side of that statement is that I very much do not enjoy not knowing what is going on. I tend to be uncomfortable with questions and uncertainty. It feels unsettling. 

Right after the disciples on the road to Emmaus shared their disappointment with Jesus they went on to communicate confusion. Not only had Jesus died three days earlier shattering all of their hopes that He would save them from oppression, they'd been told He was missing from the grave. The women who shared this news didn't seem to know where He was, but they did say angels were present and said Jesus was alive. 

In this particular moment, it feels like that last piece of news would have created more questions than answers. 

When I consider the seasons of my life heavily marked with confusion, I remember them as times of living with so many questions, uncertainty of all kinds, a pile-up of unknowns. This seems like what was going on with the disciples on the road. Doesn't it read like they are listing one disappointment after another until finally this mystery of His whereabouts? They were overwhelmed with confusing information and trying to figure it all out as they walked.

For the first time, Jesus answered with acknowledgement of the disciples' foolishness. He confronted them with their lack of belief or slowness to believe. Then, it seems He pieced together the full story of the Gospel from the very beginning. He included all of the pieces that pointed to Himself in Scripture and rightly interpreted for them. They still did not get it!

And now, I'm confused! How did they not understand as Jesus put this story together for them? What could have been the problem? Why didn't they see and fully understand?

I can only guess here, but I believe it was impossible for them to see the Truth without the physical understanding of the presence of Jesus. He was the missing puzzle piece that made the rest of the image unclear. You and I can't understand their confusion, because we know the rest of the story. They weren't there yet. Without the last puzzle piece sliding into position, these two disciples were overwhelmed with the kind of uncertainty that affected their faith. They were trying so hard to understand what couldn't be understood. Yet!

Lately, I've been convicted that my deep desire to have all the answers, every piece of every puzzle, right now is idolatry. I'm so addicted to certainty and trying so hard to figure everything out, but in this human body I have to live with a lot of mystery. With my whole heart, I believe Jesus did raise from the dead. He lives! That reality brings me peace. However, there are still a lot of puzzle pieces missing from my personal story. 

How do we live fully alive in the middle of mystery and uncertainty? I believe we must stop trying to figure out the details of what we don't know, and we focus on what we know. 

We know we have a powerful God who created us and loves us. 

We know He has a plan for our flourishing.

We know there will be trouble and difficulty in this world.

We know that Jesus overcame all of it, and one day we will live with Him in complete victory. 

We know that God is with us through the power of the Holy Spirit, so we will face nothing alone. 

Could that be enough? 

When I put puzzles together, I start with the edges, completing the outside square or rectangle before moving inside to all of the rough patches and scenes. When one spot gets too frustrating, I move to another spot. All of the work is done inside the frame. The outer edge is always secure while I work out the messes in the middle. 

Our frame, foundation, is certain and secure. When we run up against a confusing situation, ones we can't figure out, I believe it's imperative to return to the things that we know to be true, right, and sure. Our faith is in a trustworthy God, so we can rest (even in mystery) with Him. 

There is a divine mystery - a secret surprise that has been concealed from the world for generations, but now it's being revealed, unfolds and manifested for every holy believer to experience. Living within you is theChrist who floods you with the expectation of glory! The mystery of Christ, embedded within us, becomes a heavenly treasure chest of hope filled with the riches of glory for his people, and God wants everyone to know it!  

Colossians 1:26-27 (TPT)

Journeying with Resurrected Jesus in Disappointment

 In the middle of their talk and questions, Jesus came up and walked along with them. But they were not able to recognize who he was. He asked, "What's this you're discussing so intently as you walk along?" They just stood there, long-faced, like they had just lost their best friend. Then one of them, his name was Cleopas, said, "Are you the only one in Jerusalem who hasn't heard what's happened during the last few days?" He said, "What has happened?" They said, "The things that happened to Jesus the Nazarene. He was a man of God, a prophet, dynamic in work and word, blessed by both God and people. Then our high priests and leaders betrayed him, got him sentenced to death, and crucified him. And we had our hopes up that he was the One, the One about to deliver Israel. And it is now the third day since it happened. 

Luke 24:16-21 (MSG)

I don't know about you, but disappointment isn't a topic I want to discuss as part of my journey with Jesus after resurrection. I've often thought there shouldn't be disappointment to deal with once Jesus has resurrected from the grave. His death saved me from my sins, and His life offers the power to live in His victory. So, disappointment died at Calvary, right? 

Oh, how I want this to be true! 

The disciples on the road to Emmaus walked with disappointment after the resurrection. Obviously, they didn't yet know Jesus was alive. However, disciples of Jesus lived with disappointment long after His resurrection was known, and we will live with it too. So, let's consider how we can handle disappointment well. 

Webster's Dictionary states that disappointment is the act or instance of experiencing unmet expectations. In our story, the disciples expected Jesus would deliver Israel from their current difficulty. Without going into the deep, historical issues, the people of Israel were living in much trial, tribulation, and cruelty at the hands of their leadership. They were oppressed. Naturally, followers of Jesus expected that He was going to fix their circumstances. Immediately!

But, He was crucified. 

He was buried. 

And, it had been three days. 

I've always given these disciples a hard time. In the past, I've read this passage of scripture and noted the fact that they walked with "downcast faces" while their Savior walked right beside them. Almost laughingly, I have pointed out their inability to see reality because of their disappointment. Today, though, I am reading it differently. Regardless of the fact that LIVING Jesus was walking with them, their expectations had not been met. That's reality. Even the fact that Jesus died and raised to life didn't change the physical oppression they would continue to experience at the hands of their leadership. Actually, some of those circumstances were about to get much, much scarier. 

At this particular moment, these disciples didn't quite know all of the details. Very soon, Jesus will connect some dots for them and hope will be restored. However, I don't want to rush past this truth.... the way they'd hoped Jesus would deliver Israel was their plan not Jesus' plan. 

I have had faith in Jesus Christ since I was 7 years old. I have followed Him as closely as possible. Without a doubt, I know I will live victoriously with Him in Heaven someday. Yet, there are some plans I've had for my life (VERY GOOD plans I might add) that haven't happened like I hoped. I bet you have those plans too. 

How in the world do we live in a world like ours with the knowledge and experience of resurrected Jesus? I think our two disciples can give us some pointers...

1. Don't hide the disappointment. 

I'm stoic by nature. I've been called a "hero" for this quality. No matter what is going on around me, I can put on a strong face and power through. I've always believed it to be a gift. It hasn't served me well, though. Refusing to look straight into the face of disappointment and feel every feeling associated with it created space in my heart for bitterness and resentment to grow. Did you notice how Jesus let these two go on and on about all they'd hoped for that didn't happen? He didn't feel the need to hijack and redirect their pity party. Maybe acknowledging the reality of disappointment is part of finding true and real hope.

2. Keep going.

Even though the two disciples were completely distraught, they were still moving. Neither one of them chose to isolate, hide, or stop. They continued on together. Maybe this is the truest picture of resilience which is something we all want to have for our bouts with disappointment. In her book, "I Guess I Haven't Learned That Yet," Shauna Niequest says, Resilience is watching your lovingly made plans fall to dust in your hands, grieving what's lost and making (yet another) plan. It's being willing to lay down your expectations for what you thought your life would be, what this year would be, what this holiday season would be, and being willing to imagine another way. 

YES! Keep moving. Keep going. Imagine another way. 

As long as we live in this world, we will have disappointment. Because of the resurrection of Jesus, though, we don't have to hide it. We get to be honest with Him, and He understands. In our honesty, we choose to not quit! We trust that He is faithful to His promises. 

He will restore. 

He does make things new. 

He can produce beauty from ashes. 

But, we will have to loosen our expectations, ask for His vision, and imagine a new way. 

A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.

John 10:10 (MSG)

Journeying with Resurrected Jesus in Relationship

And behold, two of them were going that very day to a village named Emmaus, which was about seven miles from Jerusalem. And they were conversing with each other about all these things which had taken place. And it came about that while they were conversing and discussing, Jesus Himself approached, and began traveling with them.  Luke 24:13-15 (NAS)

Last week, I introduced this passage of scripture in Luke 24 when two journey to Emmaus together after Jesus' resurrection. In Luke, this is the first story written post-resurrection. For that reason, I believe it's a good passage to study during Eastertide. It highlights the reality of our humanity in the Light of resurrection. 

Jesus rose and gave us His very life! Awesome and YAY! Also, in my humanity, I don't always know what to do with that. You too? Great. Let's look at it together. 

From the start, we get to see one very important thing. These two travelers weren't traveling alone. One was named Cleopas. The other is nameless. Was he a friend? What she a spouse? Did they know each other well or had they happened upon each other on the road? I don't know. What I do know is they were together. 

A well-known verse in Ecclesiastes says, Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either one falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help him up. (4:9-10)

Are you so happy God didn't intend for us to do life alone? In the Garden, man and woman were made in God's image. That image is hard to define, but we know He is relational. Father, Son, and Spirit have lived forever in perfect unity. We were not created to live in isolation. Relationship is an absolute blessing! 

But, goodness, relationships can be hard! I don't think it's just me. It's sometimes difficult to live with other people, because we were also made uniquely. Our very creative God made each one of us creatively, no one is exactly like another. How special! And, how challenging!

Our appearance, our emotions, our souls, our experiences, our pasts, our family of origin, our education levels are all varied; therefore, it doesn't matter how much we love and care for each other, we will have difficulty living together in unity. 

Can you imagine how different this story would have been if only Cleopas was walking to Emmaus? He could have done it. Maybe there wouldn't have been anything obviously difficult about it. However, there would have been no one beside him in his sadness and disappointment, no one to help with the weight of the adventure. 

Baggage is heavy, y'all. When I travel alone, the hardest part is packing in a way that I can manage the carrying alone. I have to consider lifting into an overhead compartment. I have to remember I only have two hands. But, when I'm traveling with my husband (bless his heart), there's no holding back. He's stronger than me, and we are stronger together. I imagine Cleopas was happy to have another person to share the load of sadness and disappointment that particular day. 

What does your journey look like today? Where are you headed and what are you taking with you? WHO is on this journey with you? 

I think now is as good a time as any to evaluate our relationships. Life can be really, really hard in a million different ways. Jesus is all we truly need, but this passage in Luke demonstrates that human companions are necessary as we journey along with our resurrected King. 

I love my people, and the people God has placed in my life are my greatest treasures. Also, I've had my fair share of conflict. When it's very clear the person you are in conflict with is not someone you're willing to journey without, I want to offer a few tips for resolution and restoration. I wish I could tell you I'm a pro at these things. Actually, I'm more of a beginner. But, God knows how desperately I want to be part of unifying the Body of Christ. So, Jesus, let it begin with me:

1. Be curious about differences. We live in a time and space when we have all manner of making our opinions known. If we aren't careful, we will create a life in a small echo chamber where everyone we walk with thinks and feels exactly like we do. That's dangerous. How do we grow? Why not ask curious questions in disagreement? Next time you find yourself in a situation with someone who disagrees with you, find a creative way to ask why. And, determine to learn something new. 

2. Look for a reason to honor. Every person, (EVERY PERSON) has been made in the image of God. That means every person (EVERY PERSON) deserves honor and respect. Period! I bet we'll have more friends than we know what to do with if we lead with respect rather than ego. 

3. Speaking of ego, let's do our own personal growth work. When do you feel comfortable being your true, authentic self and when are you leading with a false version of self (ego)? This is such a good question and one that takes time to fully answer. I need to confess that finding my own true self has been a long and difficult process. It's caused me to unravel in a BIG way. It's been hard work, and it's the work I'm most proud of. Let's do it, Believers. The world doesn't need any more ego. It does need more sincere loving and living. 

4. Lead with love. I know it sounds simple and maybe "woo woo," but that's it. We get to love because God first loved us. We didn't earn it, deserve it, or even promise to receive it. He just loved. 

Journeying with Jesus, even resurrected Jesus, can be hard, scary, and uncertain. We need people! And, He gave us people. Let's steward them well. 

Greater love has no other than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends.... John 15:13

Journeying with Resurrected Jesus

Y'all! I can't let go of Easter. 

I can't seem to move beyond the Son of God coming to Earth to journey with us, die because of us, and resurrect to new life for us. Every year, the Easter season is meaningful. But Lent and Easter weekend carried significant weight for me this year. 

Then, I heard about Eastertide. It's a "thing" on the Christian calendar! It marks the period of time from Easter until Pentecost when we remember the resurrected Christ who journeyed with Believers for another season until He ascended to Heaven. It's a season that ends with Pentecost Sunday, the day our earthly lives were forever changed when the third member of the Trinity came to live in us forever. 

This is where I feel my Southern Baptist roots have failed me. (Goodness, I'm kidding. Well, I'm kind of kidding, because I really do love my heritage. Also, the Christian calendar seems like an important thing to take note of. So, there's that!) 

For the past few years, I've taken part in a Lent study. I've given up something near and dear to me (why oh why is it always Coke Zero? And, why oh why is it always so hard?) I absolutely love experiencing the "giving up" of Lent because it makes  the celebration of Easter so much bigger. Lent reminds me of sacrifice. Jesus sacrificed His life. All throughout the season of Lent, I get to say, “Jesus, I want You more than I want a Coke Zero.” I say it a lot, and it serves as an excellent reminder. 

There's nothing I really sacrifice here on Earth. Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. Because of Him, all that I "give up" is for the experience of something bigger, greater, better. On Easter, we celebrate it all! For one, little day. Then, we move on. 

But I don't want to! I want to sit and savor. I want to consider how my life is different because Jesus came out of that grave. I want to follow this Christian calendar in a season of celebration that is a bit longer than the previous season of sacrifice. I want to experience Eastertide where we can journey on with Jesus, this time a resurrected Jesus who will show us and teach us how we can "taste and see that the Lord is good" right here in this broken world. We don't have to wait for heaven. We get to experience Heaven here because Jesus lived, ascended, and left us His Spirit. 

THIS! This is truly a celebration. 

See! I bet you wonder why you haven't been following the Christian calendar too. Eastertide, I'm already a fan. 

I have been reading Luke 24 over and over. The women visited the grave. They took spices with them to prepare Jesus' body. But He wasn't there. The angels looked right at the women and told them He'd risen exactly like He said He would. Off they went to tell the others. But their words appeared as nonsense. Peter, though, ran to the grave to see what they were talking about. 

Then, in verse 13, Luke begins a story that is so meaningful to me. It's the first real story with real people after the big Easter event. The older I get, the more I love stories like this one, stories of real people living their boring lives until Jesus interrupts. Go and read for yourself. (Luke 24:13-35)

Over the next few weeks, I want to share some thoughts I have about this precious story. They’re very simple thoughts, but I feel like they are important. 

We live so many years beyond this first Easter story, and it's easy to jump over important details, feelings, and emotions. We say things like, "Friday is here but Sunday's coming!" It's true. Easter Sunday is always coming.... just two days after Good Friday. Our version, though, is awfully sanitized and neat. 

Somehow, I think it all unfolded a little differently, more slowly for the first Easter attenders. This couple on the road to Emmaus offers a realistic picture of life after Jesus' resurrection. He rose just as He said. But He didn't make any promises about how it would all unfold from there. Jesus would continue being human, and so will we. 

What does the journey of life with the resurrected Jesus look like? How do we flourish in it? What is expected of us in the process? 

Well, I'm not entirely sure. But I do know He promised to do it with us. I believe that's the whole point. That's the Good News!

Where are you on your journey? 

Who are you with?

What are you feeling?

Have you made some plans that haven't worked out or that you’re not sure will work out? 

Do you have a vision for where you'll go from here?

These are regular, everyday questions. They're important to us, so I think they're important to Jesus. 

It was right and good to let the uncertainty of Lent loom in the background of all of our sacrifice. It feels like Eastertide has a different vibe. The human condition will linger, so life will still have its difficulties. But we don't face them alone. Forever, we have a risen Savior. 

Let's celebrate Him with Him!

Imagine - Awaken - Surrender....

Looking back over the past 7 years of my spiritual journey has been enlightening. It's also created spaces and times of sheer awe and wonder. I had no idea what any of these words meant for my future, if they meant anything. Honestly, I still don't really know. Right? 

This year, I'm committing to reality at all costs. That just has to apply to my faith life as well. Realistically, I don't know if I picked these words and ran with them or if I really did feel God pointing each to word meticulously and strategically. Either way, though, I am pretty confident He used my focused attention on one word each year to teach me more about Him, His world, and His daughter (me). 

I just haven't always liked what I learned. 

That is the piece of the journey I'm preparing to write about. Goodness gracious I pray I can do it in summary form. That's my goal, and that is why I'm covering three years in one post. 

Don't you think imagine is a wonderful word? I do! Well, I did when I claimed it for 2019. Coming out of my year of "freedom," I was genuinely excited about what God had for me to imagine. I'm not an overly creative person. Let's be clear... I'm not creative at all! So, I spent several months feeling overwhelmed by the word in general. 

Soon, I came to realize that imagine sounded a lot like what if....

What if I lived every moment believing that God had more for me than I could even think or imagine? (yes, please.)

What if I wasn't so guarded and could truly receive the goodness God would offer me through others... maybe even new others? (scary, but ok.)

What if freedom wasn't just a word in my Bible but the way I get to live each and every moment of my life? (what does that even mean? I want to know!)

The whole year was a series of "what ifs." I ended the year with so many struggles, so many questions, and a whole lot of confusion. 

I wonder if God's kindness sometimes looks like confusion in the mind of a believer simply because He has a life for her that she isn't capable of seeing with her current eyes, thought processes, 

and theology?

Thankfully, God led me to the word awaken in 2020. "Great," I thought, "I'm going to wake up from this fog I'm living in!"

Well, this virus thing happened in 2020 that I do not care to talk about here, but the "fog" continued. In late January, I had the opportunity to participate in a counseling intensive. During that time, I had no idea how God was waking me up. I was sleep-walking through life and didn't even know it. I had carefully and intentionally designed a life of; 

making daily decisions based on what other people told me was right and would possibly make me look right in their eyes.

squashing my feelings/emotions in any confrontation if my feelings/emotions would negatively affect anyone I cared about.

refusing to really dig into the faith I proclaimed to believe for the sake of following the simple traditions handed to me as a very young girl. 

never stopping to ask the question, "Is this what I really want for me?" 

I wish I could tell you that I wrapped up the year wide awake and with full clarity for the future. I did not! Added to my confusion was God's uncovering of the word surrender for 2021. 

I can honestly say I have never cussed at God. I will also readily admit that I wanted to when surrender became my yearly focus. Do you see those italicized sentences above? Isn't that a lot of surrender? Haven't I given enough? 

As it turns out, surrender looks like a wrestling match when you have a control issue. God and I spent the year wrestling it out, because He asked me to lay down some things I couldn't believe He'd ask me to part from. I wonder if you've had similar ideas.....

I thought I was supposed to be sacrificing myself fully for the people I love. Actually, Jesus already did that. Part of loving Him with my whole heart, mind, and strength means that I focus some of my time and energy on me. I had to surrender the need to rescue and over care. 

I thought certain relationships were supposed to be mended at all costs. Isn't that the "kind" thing? Apparently, kindness in the hands of a control freak can turn into enabling fairly easily. I had to lay down the need to always be seen as kind and helpful. Sometimes I can't be, and kindness is letting other people figure out their own lives.

I thought every, single thing I'd been told in my Southern Baptist upbringing was the Gospel Truth straight from the Bible. With great love and respect for my history and all who taught it to me, I had to give up some beliefs I've held for over 40 years. I love Jesus, and I follow Him. Sometimes, that looks different than what I was taught it looked like. 

OK. So, what in the world? What do I do with all of this. If anyone is still reading, what do you do with it? 

A prayer that I've often prayed for myself is that God would give me the mind of Christ. I want to think like He thinks, make decisions like He would make, understand at least some of the mystery as He does. 

Imagine

Awaken

Surrender

I won't pretend to have arrived with the mind of Christ. However, I've participated with God for a three-year season where He was transforming my mind. These three words speak to a mind's overhaul. 

For me, confession and repentance have looked like imagining a different way, awakening to how my beliefs, my actions, my sin are the impasse to His new way, and surrendering myself and others to the change God wants to make. 

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then, you will be able to test and prove what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will. 

Romans 12:2

Yes, Lord, this is what I want. Keep working in and through me. As painful as it is, I've found it to be the only meaningful work. It leads to the fullness of joy, and I want more!

Freedom

Looking back at the words God has given me over the last 9 years has been extremely insightful. I've journaled and prayed over them many times this month. Each time, I am struck by a new revelation. 

God is good!

He is sovereign and kind. 

And, He is very, very present. 

Believing and receiving caused me to pay attention to His presence in the moments of my life. The words He spoke over me during the next three years encouraged me to allow His presence to transform. 

Goodness, I wish transformation was easy. 

In 2018, I claimed the word "freedom" for my year. Y'all, I was excited! I went straight to Galatians 5:1, For freedom, Christ set us free. Stand firm, then, and don't submit again to a yoke of slavery, and decided I was all in for this freedom if Christ died to give it. What could be better?

First things first, I searched for a book to read. (If you don't know this about me already, you should know that reading to learn has become one of my favorite hobbies. I don't even care if that makes me a nerdy type.) I found You Are Free by Rebekah Lyons and read things like, 

You weren't made to keep up. You were made to be free. To be who you already are.

Calling is where our talents and burdens collide.

You cannot see the unknown until you release the known. 

When we become enslaved to anything, we miss out on a life of surrender and peace.

We cannot prioritize our doing before being, our assignment before healing, our service before freedom. 

All of this sounded exciting and freeing, and (if I'm honest) scary. I'd never really thought that I wasn't free. I became a Christian when I was 7. My personal testimony doesn't include a life enslaved to sin prior to meeting Jesus. I mean, there's not a lot of trouble one can get into during the first 6 years of life. In every spiritual way possible, I felt I was completely free. Still, though, I felt I was missing out on the fullness of the freedom Paul described to the Galatians. 

I can't say I recorded tons of liberating moments that year, but God and I began a journey in 2018 that has been ongoing since then. Together, we've addressed a number of invisible chains that kept me bound to good things at the expense of better things. 

As it turns out, freedom's journey has to wind in and out of dark, lonely, and difficult places. It seems I wouldn't willingly give up good for better until the good way became unbearable. In the years to follow, I would gain firsthand experience in the way of the Israelites. I used to have so much difficulty understanding why they would ever want to go back to Egypt where they were slaves. 

Well, I figured it out! In the uncertainty and wide open space of new freedom, former slaves are afraid! I came face to face with that fear but didn't realize that's what it was. Therefore, suppressed fear escalated to anxiety in a hurry, and I just didn't know what to do with freedom. So, 

I hid, (sorry, now friends! I didn't know I needed you.)

I grasped for control in areas I had no control. (sorry, kids! Invoice me for your therapy.)

I denied that I needed help navigating the newness of freedom's life. 

I won't spoil upcoming words and messages. Of course, God had a plan all along. But, I want to speak the truth that freedom is what we were made for. It is for freedom that Jesus set us free. That doesn't mean it won't cost us something. I think that's why Paul included the second portion of the verse, "stand firm and don't submit again to the yoke of slavery." 

Jesus paid the ultimate price to set me free! And, I will have to fight to keep it. The world, busy-ness of life, even religion will try to steal my freedom and keep me striving. No, thank you! I'll keep fighting freedom's fight. 

Receive

Every year, I try to something to celebrate the season of Advent. This year, my choice was a no-brainer. My favorite podcaster, Annie F. Downs, has offered a brief Advent podcast every, single morning during the 4 weeks of Advent. She has led me well through hope, peace, and now joy. 

This morning, Annie encouraged listeners to be bearers of joy. I don't know how that command lands on your ears. This morning, I heard it with a sense of excitement. Honestly, though, just yesterday I might have wanted to scream, "Shut up," to my sweet friend and then end the podcast. I'm glad I was able to listen, because I absolutely loved this picture of carrying, or bearing, joy. 

Annie recounted the year Atlanta, GA, hosted the olympics. Because she grew up in GA, she had a vivid memory of watching the torch-bearers run throughout Georgia carrying the Olympic torch. This memory led Annie to ask us the question, "what does a torch-bearer actually do?"

In the olympics or in any other scenario where runners carry torches in relay fashion, they have four major jobs; 

Receive the flame.

Hold it high. 

Follow the course laid out. 

Give the flame away. 

I have to admit that I'm nearly in tears just typing out this very brief message. THIS is the purpose of my life. THIS is what I want to do every, single day from now until my earthly end. THIS is the only thing that fills my life with purpose. 

In the fall of 2016, my year of "believe" was coming to an end. It was the very first year God had given me a word, a mission, and focus for the next year. I desperately hoped He was going to do it again. I started asking Him, and almost immediately He uncovered the word "receive." 

It was weird. 

I was unsure.

It felt very, very, VERY selfish. 

So, of course, I kept asking God for a new word. He kept pointing me back to "receive." I gave in and claimed the word. I'd argued long enough. 

The year was definitely filled with receiving - a new church, a new position for our family, a new role of leadership for me, and a sense of permanence in Florida. It was also the year that set in motion a path that would lead to a spiral of sorts for me. Time constraints, financial restraints, teenagers, and what felt like chaos in every direction for several years exposed a lot (A LOT!) of inner work I'd not done. Then, COVID came. Leading during COVID turned up the heat on any and every imperfection I needed to address. Listen, I'm not proud of the way I handled portions of the last 3 years. In hindsight, I can see that God allowed difficulty to push and press and crush me so that I'd be forced to cooperate with Him for fullness. I reached the very end of myself, and that was a gift. 

As it turns out, true JOY isn't even an option until God is allowed to come in and offer comfort for hurt, peace in chaos, instruction for immaturity, and correction for misunderstanding. 

Today, I'm so glad that God asked me to receive throughout 2017 and beyond. I am praying earnestly right now that I remember all I've received so that I don't have to live the circumstances again. But, I've found a greater connection to God and people. I've discovered emotions and understand that I have to feel them to really enjoy life. I've received the fullness of joy in ways I could never create on my own. 

Now, I get to be a bearer of joy!

I'll never be able to create the flame, but I will put myself in a position to receive it. 

Daily, I get to lift the torch of joy even if it's heavy, or weighty, or difficult. If it were easy, everyone would do it. :) 

I do not have to map out my course, because God is directing my path. 

As often as I can, I will offer the light of my torch to someone else in need of joy. 

What a calling! What a mission! Truly, every step of the journey has been worth it. I pray you receive whatever it is you need today from the only author, creator, and perfecter of your faith. 

Believe!

During a morning quiet time in late 2015, God led me to choose a word for the upcoming year. He didn't urge me to just choose any word. He pointed out a specific word and impressed upon my heart that it would be important for me to live with this word in new and different ways. 

You guessed it! The word He emphasized for me was "believe." 

I was in the middle of Beth Moore's Bible study, "Believing God," and she'd done an amazing job uncovering the meaning of "believe" everywhere I'd read it in the New Testament. I learned that it is typical use in the present participle tense. I also learned that it's the same word used for faith. So, everywhere I saw "believe" and "faith" I started reading "believing" instead. 

Present belief. 

Active belief.

In 2014, my heart and mind fell into a bit of depression. It wasn't a clinical depression, but it was so deep and real. Honestly, my husband was struggling with some darkness, and life for me felt heavy in every direction. I was mad at God, because I was weary in the heaviness. We'd felt it for so long, and I felt I deserved a break. 

My precious Heavenly Father let me whine and complain and argue and fight for a portion of 2014 and most of 2015. Then, He asked me to believe for something new. I was happy to join. He even gave me a verse to recite all year as I working on believing, 

Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert. Is. 43:19

I can't adequately describe how hopeful this encounter with God was for me. It was surreal. I experienced Him in more real ways than I ever had before. It felt like a true invitation into something more. 

I was ready!

In February of 2016, Scotty and I began to pray for something more together. In April of 2016, we were headed to FL with the possibility of entering ministry again. I wish I could say that God made everything clear during that trip. Florida was beautiful, and the people we met were amazing. There were also some things that happened that were a little confusing. We had one meeting that made us question and pray a little longer and a little harder. Then, one day as I was praying, I felt God speak to my heart and tell me that what was bothering us was true but God wanted us to go to FL anyway. That confirmation was enough, and by July of 2016 we were all Floridians. 

Hope is a tricky thing. When God uncovers it, there is a sense of pure joy and excitement. Knowing that He has more in store reminds me that I'm on His mind. He cares for me. He wants what is best for me, and I do too! In the excitement of hope, though, it's easy to forget that God's timing is different than my timing. When God uncovers a hope-filled message, it seems like the invitation is immediate. When the joy of hope turns into waiting, hopelessness and even depression can set it. Actually, I have Biblical backing, 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick...  Proverbs 13:12

If I was just believing God for material things, I would expect to have to wait. I'd expect a lesson or two about what really matters in life. No! God gave me dreams of family and ministry and connection and calling. He uncovered longings in my heart to do the kinds of things that leave legacy and change family trees. When He asked me to believe, I went all in. So, when trouble, heartache, more waiting, and unresolved issues continued, my heart became sick. 

There will be more to come on all of this later. I have 6 more words to remember and write on. However, for this Christmas season, I want to remind myself (and maybe you) that God will give hope, but we have to guard it. His hope doesn't disappoint, but we will have to work to sustain it. 

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance, and perseverance proven character, and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.  Romans 5:3-5

How in this world do we maintain hope? We fight for it! We remind ourselves where it comes from, and we hold on to the Giver of hope with all we have. The harder it gets to hold on, the more we have to lose. So, we persevere. We embrace character building, because THIS hope is worth it. This hope is a gift!

And it's worth our present participle belief! 

God, I thank you for the joy, the heartache, and the ongoing lessons that have come because You invited me to believe You for more in 2016. Give me the courage to continue believing until the day that I die, meet you face to face, and don't need that present participle belief anymore. My faith will be made sight. 

Immanuel

This year, I'm obsessed with "Immanuel," God with us. 

It's not a new name for Jesus. I've sung songs using this name before. I've known it means "God with us" for a while now. This year, though, I've been thinking on it a lot!

It means that our perfectly holy and powerful God chose to come to this broken and unholy earth to BE with us. 

Just BE with us, y'all. 

He could have come to make things new immediately, because He had every ounce of power to do it. Instead, He came in the lowliest and weakest of forms to be with us in the ordinary, the messy, the broken.

It's still hard to imagine! 

I've also been a little obsessed with a verse that I've never considered to be a Christmas verse, 

Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.  Isaiah 43:19

When my children were younger, Christmas was purely magical. It was a time when it didn't really matter what was going on in our world or in the world at large, because pure joy and excitement took over. The anticipation of Jesus' birthday and all the ways we celebrate it monopolized all conversation and activity. The expectation of presents under the tree for my kids made every day a party. 

It's been a while since the simple emotions of Christmas covered the realities of the world we live in. I don't know if you know this, but life is hard! In the strangest of ways, though, that's not a thought that interrupts or ruins my advent season. It actually enhances it. 

So, life is ordinary, messy, and broken. The hope of Christmas is that Jesus chose to enter into it anyway. He did all the things to begin the process of making all things new. But, He didn't do it in an immediate way. He chose to come, to live, and to BE part of earthly life WITH humanity. I think He still chooses that today. 

The hope of Christmas is that Jesus chooses to BE with me in my life, my processes, my humanity. The love & peace of Christmas is that He doesn't pressure me to be new, perfect, or right immediately, because He seems happy to be WITH me in the process. I experience the joy of Christmas when I choose to be present with Him in the moments of my life. It turns out I don't always have to be striving for more, better, or perfect. I can rest in Him and trust that He is always doing a new thing. I just need to slow down and ask for eyes to see it. Maybe that's the light that our Advent candles bring. 

Around this time of year, God drops a word in my heart and in my mind that I believe is a focus word for the upcoming year. As He revealed my word for 2023, I believe God also sent me back to 2016 and the first word He gave me in this tradition. As I've looked back, I have marveled at the new thing God began in me that first year with that first word. I may not have seen then how He was doing something new in me, but I can look back over the last 8 years and see His hand in all of the details. I feel led to write about each of those words during this month as a way to honor Him through remembering. 

What does Immanuel mean to you? 

Does it frustrate you that He is here, with us, but He chooses not to fix the things that are so obviously broken? What if you used this Advent season to be honest with Him about your reality. I imagine Jesus to come in close when we share our honesty. I don't think He minds our bristly edges one bit. 

Does it confuse you that He is near? Several years ago, I read Max Lucado's book, God Came Near. It's an excellent book that introduces the reality of what we miss out on when we don't recognize the magnitude of God choosing to come close to us then & now. 

Does it offer hope and a feeling of restoration, because you know God is making all things new even as we speak through what Jesus did with His human life here on earth? It's true! If you live with that kind of unshakable faith and confidence, my guess is that you've done some hard inner work for it. I bet your story is filled with ups and downs and highs and lows. Can I ask you to share that with someone? I have this dream that we (as Christians) grow more confident in sharing the pieces of our story that we aren't completely proud of, because those are the places where we typically see the new things God is doing more clearly. Stories offer hope to a world struggling with hopelessness in a big way. 

If Christmas is anything, it's HOPE-filled. Your stories and my story are evidence. I pray your Christmas season is filled with the presence of "God with us," and that His presence leads you to honestly share it His story and yours with your world. 

Bitterness is a Beast!

Over 11 years ago, I sat in a counselor's office with my husband who'd recently confessed adultery. His confession was very public, and details that came later were just as public. There were multiple relationships, and the women he'd been with were close friends. It was a LOT! For me, the specifics were so hideous that it was always easier to speak in generalities.... "My husband was unfaithful. He's repentant, and we are choosing to receive God's miracle healing. We want to save our marriage." 

I mean, that sounds holy, right? It's simple enough. God will heal. He's promised to do exactly that, so why wouldn't we just trust Him and move forward? 

Our first counselor said something to me early on that I've never forgotten, "Amy, my biggest fear for you is that you will grow bitter. A lot of people that were supposed to be for you have betrayed you. They were against you. I'm worried that your heart will prefer to shut people out, and bitterness will grow. I don't want that for you." 

I'll never forget it, and I'll also never forget how adamantly I assured her that would never happen. In that moment, I was remembering all of the people in my life that had been good to me. For the most part, my people had always been my favorite gifts from God. Also, I'd seen what bitterness looked like on women. YUCK! I was absolutely, positively, 100% sure that bitterness was not in the cards for me. 

I'm learning to be gracious and gentle with previous versions of me. That Amy was doing the best she could with the information she had in the moment. She could not have expected.....

Surprising debt,

Spiritual abuse under the care of a trusted leader,

Troubled teenagers and the (seeming) judgement of our Christian community,

Tension at home that accompanies teenager-life,

Neglect and emotional abandonment in difficulty, 

Disappointment of another crumbling church staff, 

Re-start (again) in career that carried with it the well-known financial stress, 

A world-wide pandemic, 

Grief that accompanies major life changes like sending a first-born off to college (WTH people should be more honest about this crisis of emotion),

and a country (believers and non-believers alike) spinning out of control in anxiety and pure meanness.

Hello, bitterness! It looks like you have indeed chosen to join me!  

I didn't invite her, and I didn't want her here. However, I didn't actively and intentionally reject her. She arrived like a thief in the night, and once I realized I'd willingly opened the doors of my heart to her, there was no easy way to send her packing. 

Bitterness is sneaky, you see. Naturally, my heart was feeling fear, rejection, sadness, and deep grief. Life was busy, though. We had things to do, so I didn't really have time to grieve or even partially address the sadness. 

How in the world can bitterness and resentment be the outcome of mishandled or unhandled grief? That doesn't seem right. Grief shows up as tears, sadness, and inactivity. Bitterness looks aggressive, powerful, and active. Could it be the enemy of my soul and my family knows that bitterness could swoop in and wreck my life if I would simply ignore the deep and growing grief caused by disappointment? 

This morning, I read this in my "Healing From Life's Disappointments," study, 

"Jehovah Rapha (the God who heals) often uses life's disappointments to reveal the state of our hearts so that we can bring those broken hearts to Him for healing."

In Exodus 15, the newly freed Hebrews came to a place where the water they needed to drink was bitter. Understandably, they were upset and probably even scared. They had never been fully responsible for their provisions. They were slaves in Egypt, and that was awful. However, their basic needs were taken care of for them. On the other side of the Red Sea split, they were in need of water to live. The only water they had was bitter. So, they complained. 

The bitter water didn't make their hearts bitter, but it did reveal the bitterness that was already brewing.....  bitterness that came from immature faith and a genuine fear for their lives. A holier response would have been to acknowledge their truest emotions; fear, sadness, and even grief. Complaint and anger probably felt more powerful. 

I know it was frustrating, Moses! But, I really get it! 

Do you remember what God prescribed to make the bitter water sweet? It's so crazy! God told Moses to throw a piece of wood into the water. When he obeyed, the water became sweet to drink. How in the world can wood make anything clean?

Suddenly, I remembered another piece of wood mentioned in the Bible. Actually, Jesus spoke of this wood in Matthew 7 when He taught about the plank of wood we have in our own eyes that prevents us from seeing clearly. 

Is it possible Jehovah Rapha will heal the growing bitterness in my own heart when I take the plank out of my eye and offer it to Him. I've justified the plank, because it represents a lot of disappointment, hurt, and pain that I did not ask for or even deserve. 

This morning, I felt Jesus letting me know all of that is true. I have been mishandled and uncared for. It's really, really sad to my Heavenly Father, so He's given me Jesus who is more than happy to sit with me in my sadness. We can grieve together. Even though it feels weaker than the anger, it's a whole lot sweeter. 

This may be a daily activity of surrender. I may be removing planks and tossing them into the bitter water daily. It seems terribly exhausting and even overwhelming. 

You know what else is exhausting? Living with a bitter and resentful heart is exhausting, and it's damaging. I want better for me. I want better for my children. And, I want better for the whole body of Christ. I have a part to play in the work God is doing in His Church at this moment. Bitterness will take me out. 

So, bitterness, this is where our time together ends. I hope you've enjoyed the free space, but you will have to find a new home. I won't miss you at all. 

The Hebrews grumbled and complained. They wanted slavery, because it seemed to be easier. I'm choosing freedom even if it does take a lot of work, because bitterness has stolen enough peace!

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye," when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:3-5

Train Up a Child.....

 When I was pregnant with my boys, I prayed specifically that they'd be more like my sister than me concerning how they lived in the world. I asked God to make them assertive, to cause them to know what they want and know how to express it. 

My sister was always more assertive than me. She had opinions, and she spoke up for herself. It never really dawned on me to have my own opinions. Alyson knew what she wanted, and she knew when an adult was asking her to do something she didn't necessarily want to do. It was fascinating to me. Looking back, it seems like a better way to live, and I wanted my kids to live with that kind of freedom. 

Even as a young girl, I knew that I was probably the easier child to parent, to teach, and to influence. As a mother preparing to give birth, I knew that being easier to manipulate didn't necessarily prepare me for the world. I wanted children that could be world changers. As a 28-year-old conformist, I knew they'd need more of a questioning and assertive spirit for that. 

Well, God answered my prayers!! There have been days (you have no idea how many days) I've wondered why in the world I would have prayed such a thing. Life would have been easier, less embarrassing, prettier if I'd had boys that operated in our family and in life like I did growing up. 

But, here's the thing, I would have missed out on all of the lessons our mess-ups (theirs and mine) have brought. Because these boys are so head strong, I've had to beg God to teach me to mother at every new season. Thankfully, He's allowed me to see some things through their eyes. In His perfect way, God has used their struggles to demonstrate His lessons for me. 

In all of this, though, one question has played on repeat in my head throughout their high school years. I can't get past it! It causes me to over process all that I do, and it burdens my heart for the children and teenagers that we are collectively raising, 

Why do we expect more from our young people than we expect for ourselves?

I can't speak for every environment. But, I live, work, and operate mostly in Christian cultures, and I'm afraid I see it over and over again. 

We tell our children to be kind to those they come in contact with. It is the Christian way, and we don't have to like everyone, but we have to be kind to everyone. But, our children see us, the adults, griping and complaining. Our news feeds are full of hateful memes and angry messages. We've taught Matthew 5 in our churches and Christian classrooms, 

You have heard do not murder, and whoever murders will be subjected to judgment. But I say to you that anyone who is angry with a brother will be subjected to judgment. And, whoever insults a brother will be brought before the council, and whoever says, 'Fool' will be sent to fiery hell. (verse 21-23)

But, our own adult lives have demonstrated that these verses may not be true if we disagree with a sister or brother. You know, if someone's perspective is "stupid" or "ridiculous" then we can be angry with them. We can call them "fool" or any other word we want to call them. We can laugh at, mock, or publicly ridicule. "They've" earned it. Right? 

I wonder if our children are confused?

We tell our children that gossip and slander are sinful. They really shouldn't talk about people behind their backs. It's not what Jesus would want us to do. Then, we notice people living like we don't think they should live, and we spend countless hours analyzing and dissecting their choices. Of course, we'd disguise our gossip as concern or prayer request. But, let's be honest, it's gossip. It doesn't concern us. You know what's even more harmful? We talk about teenagers and their poor choices like we're labeling inmates for prisons. Nevermind that they're doing some of the same things WE did only a few years ago. Our sins just weren't slathered across social media. The adults in our lives couldn't see the messiness, so they couldn't weigh in with their "concern" and hatefulness. Man, am I grateful for that!

I wonder if our children are hurt? 

We tell our children not to fear. We remind them that the Bible tells us not to fear 365 times. Then, we read a statistic, see something in the news, or are faced with something we need to do that could be uncomfortable, and we allow our anxiety and fears to run wild. We make regular decisions based on "what if" rather than following the Holy Spirit in an adventure. 

I'm more reserved by nature, so my fears may not be out loud and public. When I'm feeling anxious, it looks more like a drill sergeant gone wild. In my fear and angst I try to manage and control everyone around me. I start barking orders and issuing threats that never work on headstrong teenagers. And, I'm glad they don't. Fear is a bully. Just because I'm allowing it to bully me doesn't mean it should get to wreak havoc in my home. 

But, I wonder if it causes my children to resent me and my orders?

Our Bible is very clear. When the external doesn't match the internal it's called hypocrisy. When words don't match actions, Jesus called our deeds worthless. He's much more interested in the heart. I've grown to realize that our teenagers share that interest. They couldn't care less about what we say if it doesn't line up with what they see. 

I can scream that I love Jesus on a daily basis, but if it doesn't affect the way that I treat people, love my husband, teach my classes, or order my life, my words are pretty much worthless. 

This is exactly why I've loved (and sometimes hated) having teenagers. They keep me humble, and they keep me honest. They also keep me searching for better ways. I don't want my hypocrisy to cause confusion that would lead to sin. It's so interesting to me that the Church will readily use the argument that we can't drink publicly because it could cause someone to stumble. But, we won't address the fact that our hypocrisy in the face of our children could cause resentment, leading to anger, leading to sin, 

....but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea. Matthew 18:6

That's serious. Maybe that's why it's weighing so heavily on me. Yes. There's an age of accountability, and our children (as they age) will be accountable for their actions. But, since I'm in a position to influence young lives, I feel great conviction to lead with me life. 

I want them to love their neighbors, so I'm going to love others in a big way. 

I want them to obey God and not worry about what the world around them thinks, so I'm going to "keep my eyes on my own paper" and worry only with what God calls me to do. I can't police the behavior of everyone else. I refuse to try.

I want them to see the grace of God on a daily basis, so I'm going to hand out kindness and grace like it's candy. At least I'm going to try. I want to offer grace even when it feels offensive to me. 

I want hearts to be transformed by the Gospel of Jesus Christ. So, I'm going to pray like my life depends on it, because only the Holy Spirit can accomplish that. And, since I teach that He is bigger than any sin, any mess, and any mistake, I'm not going to freak out over a sin, a mess, or a mistake. 

I really want to live like I believe the truths that I teach, because I believe our little ones (and teenagers are still little ones even if they don't want to be) are always watching.