Freedom

Looking back at the words God has given me over the last 9 years has been extremely insightful. I've journaled and prayed over them many times this month. Each time, I am struck by a new revelation. 

God is good!

He is sovereign and kind. 

And, He is very, very present. 

Believing and receiving caused me to pay attention to His presence in the moments of my life. The words He spoke over me during the next three years encouraged me to allow His presence to transform. 

Goodness, I wish transformation was easy. 

In 2018, I claimed the word "freedom" for my year. Y'all, I was excited! I went straight to Galatians 5:1, For freedom, Christ set us free. Stand firm, then, and don't submit again to a yoke of slavery, and decided I was all in for this freedom if Christ died to give it. What could be better?

First things first, I searched for a book to read. (If you don't know this about me already, you should know that reading to learn has become one of my favorite hobbies. I don't even care if that makes me a nerdy type.) I found You Are Free by Rebekah Lyons and read things like, 

You weren't made to keep up. You were made to be free. To be who you already are.

Calling is where our talents and burdens collide.

You cannot see the unknown until you release the known. 

When we become enslaved to anything, we miss out on a life of surrender and peace.

We cannot prioritize our doing before being, our assignment before healing, our service before freedom. 

All of this sounded exciting and freeing, and (if I'm honest) scary. I'd never really thought that I wasn't free. I became a Christian when I was 7. My personal testimony doesn't include a life enslaved to sin prior to meeting Jesus. I mean, there's not a lot of trouble one can get into during the first 6 years of life. In every spiritual way possible, I felt I was completely free. Still, though, I felt I was missing out on the fullness of the freedom Paul described to the Galatians. 

I can't say I recorded tons of liberating moments that year, but God and I began a journey in 2018 that has been ongoing since then. Together, we've addressed a number of invisible chains that kept me bound to good things at the expense of better things. 

As it turns out, freedom's journey has to wind in and out of dark, lonely, and difficult places. It seems I wouldn't willingly give up good for better until the good way became unbearable. In the years to follow, I would gain firsthand experience in the way of the Israelites. I used to have so much difficulty understanding why they would ever want to go back to Egypt where they were slaves. 

Well, I figured it out! In the uncertainty and wide open space of new freedom, former slaves are afraid! I came face to face with that fear but didn't realize that's what it was. Therefore, suppressed fear escalated to anxiety in a hurry, and I just didn't know what to do with freedom. So, 

I hid, (sorry, now friends! I didn't know I needed you.)

I grasped for control in areas I had no control. (sorry, kids! Invoice me for your therapy.)

I denied that I needed help navigating the newness of freedom's life. 

I won't spoil upcoming words and messages. Of course, God had a plan all along. But, I want to speak the truth that freedom is what we were made for. It is for freedom that Jesus set us free. That doesn't mean it won't cost us something. I think that's why Paul included the second portion of the verse, "stand firm and don't submit again to the yoke of slavery." 

Jesus paid the ultimate price to set me free! And, I will have to fight to keep it. The world, busy-ness of life, even religion will try to steal my freedom and keep me striving. No, thank you! I'll keep fighting freedom's fight. 

Receive

Every year, I try to something to celebrate the season of Advent. This year, my choice was a no-brainer. My favorite podcaster, Annie F. Downs, has offered a brief Advent podcast every, single morning during the 4 weeks of Advent. She has led me well through hope, peace, and now joy. 

This morning, Annie encouraged listeners to be bearers of joy. I don't know how that command lands on your ears. This morning, I heard it with a sense of excitement. Honestly, though, just yesterday I might have wanted to scream, "Shut up," to my sweet friend and then end the podcast. I'm glad I was able to listen, because I absolutely loved this picture of carrying, or bearing, joy. 

Annie recounted the year Atlanta, GA, hosted the olympics. Because she grew up in GA, she had a vivid memory of watching the torch-bearers run throughout Georgia carrying the Olympic torch. This memory led Annie to ask us the question, "what does a torch-bearer actually do?"

In the olympics or in any other scenario where runners carry torches in relay fashion, they have four major jobs; 

Receive the flame.

Hold it high. 

Follow the course laid out. 

Give the flame away. 

I have to admit that I'm nearly in tears just typing out this very brief message. THIS is the purpose of my life. THIS is what I want to do every, single day from now until my earthly end. THIS is the only thing that fills my life with purpose. 

In the fall of 2016, my year of "believe" was coming to an end. It was the very first year God had given me a word, a mission, and focus for the next year. I desperately hoped He was going to do it again. I started asking Him, and almost immediately He uncovered the word "receive." 

It was weird. 

I was unsure.

It felt very, very, VERY selfish. 

So, of course, I kept asking God for a new word. He kept pointing me back to "receive." I gave in and claimed the word. I'd argued long enough. 

The year was definitely filled with receiving - a new church, a new position for our family, a new role of leadership for me, and a sense of permanence in Florida. It was also the year that set in motion a path that would lead to a spiral of sorts for me. Time constraints, financial restraints, teenagers, and what felt like chaos in every direction for several years exposed a lot (A LOT!) of inner work I'd not done. Then, COVID came. Leading during COVID turned up the heat on any and every imperfection I needed to address. Listen, I'm not proud of the way I handled portions of the last 3 years. In hindsight, I can see that God allowed difficulty to push and press and crush me so that I'd be forced to cooperate with Him for fullness. I reached the very end of myself, and that was a gift. 

As it turns out, true JOY isn't even an option until God is allowed to come in and offer comfort for hurt, peace in chaos, instruction for immaturity, and correction for misunderstanding. 

Today, I'm so glad that God asked me to receive throughout 2017 and beyond. I am praying earnestly right now that I remember all I've received so that I don't have to live the circumstances again. But, I've found a greater connection to God and people. I've discovered emotions and understand that I have to feel them to really enjoy life. I've received the fullness of joy in ways I could never create on my own. 

Now, I get to be a bearer of joy!

I'll never be able to create the flame, but I will put myself in a position to receive it. 

Daily, I get to lift the torch of joy even if it's heavy, or weighty, or difficult. If it were easy, everyone would do it. :) 

I do not have to map out my course, because God is directing my path. 

As often as I can, I will offer the light of my torch to someone else in need of joy. 

What a calling! What a mission! Truly, every step of the journey has been worth it. I pray you receive whatever it is you need today from the only author, creator, and perfecter of your faith. 

Believe!

During a morning quiet time in late 2015, God led me to choose a word for the upcoming year. He didn't urge me to just choose any word. He pointed out a specific word and impressed upon my heart that it would be important for me to live with this word in new and different ways. 

You guessed it! The word He emphasized for me was "believe." 

I was in the middle of Beth Moore's Bible study, "Believing God," and she'd done an amazing job uncovering the meaning of "believe" everywhere I'd read it in the New Testament. I learned that it is typical use in the present participle tense. I also learned that it's the same word used for faith. So, everywhere I saw "believe" and "faith" I started reading "believing" instead. 

Present belief. 

Active belief.

In 2014, my heart and mind fell into a bit of depression. It wasn't a clinical depression, but it was so deep and real. Honestly, my husband was struggling with some darkness, and life for me felt heavy in every direction. I was mad at God, because I was weary in the heaviness. We'd felt it for so long, and I felt I deserved a break. 

My precious Heavenly Father let me whine and complain and argue and fight for a portion of 2014 and most of 2015. Then, He asked me to believe for something new. I was happy to join. He even gave me a verse to recite all year as I working on believing, 

Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert. Is. 43:19

I can't adequately describe how hopeful this encounter with God was for me. It was surreal. I experienced Him in more real ways than I ever had before. It felt like a true invitation into something more. 

I was ready!

In February of 2016, Scotty and I began to pray for something more together. In April of 2016, we were headed to FL with the possibility of entering ministry again. I wish I could say that God made everything clear during that trip. Florida was beautiful, and the people we met were amazing. There were also some things that happened that were a little confusing. We had one meeting that made us question and pray a little longer and a little harder. Then, one day as I was praying, I felt God speak to my heart and tell me that what was bothering us was true but God wanted us to go to FL anyway. That confirmation was enough, and by July of 2016 we were all Floridians. 

Hope is a tricky thing. When God uncovers it, there is a sense of pure joy and excitement. Knowing that He has more in store reminds me that I'm on His mind. He cares for me. He wants what is best for me, and I do too! In the excitement of hope, though, it's easy to forget that God's timing is different than my timing. When God uncovers a hope-filled message, it seems like the invitation is immediate. When the joy of hope turns into waiting, hopelessness and even depression can set it. Actually, I have Biblical backing, 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick...  Proverbs 13:12

If I was just believing God for material things, I would expect to have to wait. I'd expect a lesson or two about what really matters in life. No! God gave me dreams of family and ministry and connection and calling. He uncovered longings in my heart to do the kinds of things that leave legacy and change family trees. When He asked me to believe, I went all in. So, when trouble, heartache, more waiting, and unresolved issues continued, my heart became sick. 

There will be more to come on all of this later. I have 6 more words to remember and write on. However, for this Christmas season, I want to remind myself (and maybe you) that God will give hope, but we have to guard it. His hope doesn't disappoint, but we will have to work to sustain it. 

And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance, and perseverance proven character, and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.  Romans 5:3-5

How in this world do we maintain hope? We fight for it! We remind ourselves where it comes from, and we hold on to the Giver of hope with all we have. The harder it gets to hold on, the more we have to lose. So, we persevere. We embrace character building, because THIS hope is worth it. This hope is a gift!

And it's worth our present participle belief! 

God, I thank you for the joy, the heartache, and the ongoing lessons that have come because You invited me to believe You for more in 2016. Give me the courage to continue believing until the day that I die, meet you face to face, and don't need that present participle belief anymore. My faith will be made sight. 

Immanuel

This year, I'm obsessed with "Immanuel," God with us. 

It's not a new name for Jesus. I've sung songs using this name before. I've known it means "God with us" for a while now. This year, though, I've been thinking on it a lot!

It means that our perfectly holy and powerful God chose to come to this broken and unholy earth to BE with us. 

Just BE with us, y'all. 

He could have come to make things new immediately, because He had every ounce of power to do it. Instead, He came in the lowliest and weakest of forms to be with us in the ordinary, the messy, the broken.

It's still hard to imagine! 

I've also been a little obsessed with a verse that I've never considered to be a Christmas verse, 

Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it? Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.  Isaiah 43:19

When my children were younger, Christmas was purely magical. It was a time when it didn't really matter what was going on in our world or in the world at large, because pure joy and excitement took over. The anticipation of Jesus' birthday and all the ways we celebrate it monopolized all conversation and activity. The expectation of presents under the tree for my kids made every day a party. 

It's been a while since the simple emotions of Christmas covered the realities of the world we live in. I don't know if you know this, but life is hard! In the strangest of ways, though, that's not a thought that interrupts or ruins my advent season. It actually enhances it. 

So, life is ordinary, messy, and broken. The hope of Christmas is that Jesus chose to enter into it anyway. He did all the things to begin the process of making all things new. But, He didn't do it in an immediate way. He chose to come, to live, and to BE part of earthly life WITH humanity. I think He still chooses that today. 

The hope of Christmas is that Jesus chooses to BE with me in my life, my processes, my humanity. The love & peace of Christmas is that He doesn't pressure me to be new, perfect, or right immediately, because He seems happy to be WITH me in the process. I experience the joy of Christmas when I choose to be present with Him in the moments of my life. It turns out I don't always have to be striving for more, better, or perfect. I can rest in Him and trust that He is always doing a new thing. I just need to slow down and ask for eyes to see it. Maybe that's the light that our Advent candles bring. 

Around this time of year, God drops a word in my heart and in my mind that I believe is a focus word for the upcoming year. As He revealed my word for 2023, I believe God also sent me back to 2016 and the first word He gave me in this tradition. As I've looked back, I have marveled at the new thing God began in me that first year with that first word. I may not have seen then how He was doing something new in me, but I can look back over the last 8 years and see His hand in all of the details. I feel led to write about each of those words during this month as a way to honor Him through remembering. 

What does Immanuel mean to you? 

Does it frustrate you that He is here, with us, but He chooses not to fix the things that are so obviously broken? What if you used this Advent season to be honest with Him about your reality. I imagine Jesus to come in close when we share our honesty. I don't think He minds our bristly edges one bit. 

Does it confuse you that He is near? Several years ago, I read Max Lucado's book, God Came Near. It's an excellent book that introduces the reality of what we miss out on when we don't recognize the magnitude of God choosing to come close to us then & now. 

Does it offer hope and a feeling of restoration, because you know God is making all things new even as we speak through what Jesus did with His human life here on earth? It's true! If you live with that kind of unshakable faith and confidence, my guess is that you've done some hard inner work for it. I bet your story is filled with ups and downs and highs and lows. Can I ask you to share that with someone? I have this dream that we (as Christians) grow more confident in sharing the pieces of our story that we aren't completely proud of, because those are the places where we typically see the new things God is doing more clearly. Stories offer hope to a world struggling with hopelessness in a big way. 

If Christmas is anything, it's HOPE-filled. Your stories and my story are evidence. I pray your Christmas season is filled with the presence of "God with us," and that His presence leads you to honestly share it His story and yours with your world. 

Bitterness is a Beast!

Over 11 years ago, I sat in a counselor's office with my husband who'd recently confessed adultery. His confession was very public, and details that came later were just as public. There were multiple relationships, and the women he'd been with were close friends. It was a LOT! For me, the specifics were so hideous that it was always easier to speak in generalities.... "My husband was unfaithful. He's repentant, and we are choosing to receive God's miracle healing. We want to save our marriage." 

I mean, that sounds holy, right? It's simple enough. God will heal. He's promised to do exactly that, so why wouldn't we just trust Him and move forward? 

Our first counselor said something to me early on that I've never forgotten, "Amy, my biggest fear for you is that you will grow bitter. A lot of people that were supposed to be for you have betrayed you. They were against you. I'm worried that your heart will prefer to shut people out, and bitterness will grow. I don't want that for you." 

I'll never forget it, and I'll also never forget how adamantly I assured her that would never happen. In that moment, I was remembering all of the people in my life that had been good to me. For the most part, my people had always been my favorite gifts from God. Also, I'd seen what bitterness looked like on women. YUCK! I was absolutely, positively, 100% sure that bitterness was not in the cards for me. 

I'm learning to be gracious and gentle with previous versions of me. That Amy was doing the best she could with the information she had in the moment. She could not have expected.....

Surprising debt,

Spiritual abuse under the care of a trusted leader,

Troubled teenagers and the (seeming) judgement of our Christian community,

Tension at home that accompanies teenager-life,

Neglect and emotional abandonment in difficulty, 

Disappointment of another crumbling church staff, 

Re-start (again) in career that carried with it the well-known financial stress, 

A world-wide pandemic, 

Grief that accompanies major life changes like sending a first-born off to college (WTH people should be more honest about this crisis of emotion),

and a country (believers and non-believers alike) spinning out of control in anxiety and pure meanness.

Hello, bitterness! It looks like you have indeed chosen to join me!  

I didn't invite her, and I didn't want her here. However, I didn't actively and intentionally reject her. She arrived like a thief in the night, and once I realized I'd willingly opened the doors of my heart to her, there was no easy way to send her packing. 

Bitterness is sneaky, you see. Naturally, my heart was feeling fear, rejection, sadness, and deep grief. Life was busy, though. We had things to do, so I didn't really have time to grieve or even partially address the sadness. 

How in the world can bitterness and resentment be the outcome of mishandled or unhandled grief? That doesn't seem right. Grief shows up as tears, sadness, and inactivity. Bitterness looks aggressive, powerful, and active. Could it be the enemy of my soul and my family knows that bitterness could swoop in and wreck my life if I would simply ignore the deep and growing grief caused by disappointment? 

This morning, I read this in my "Healing From Life's Disappointments," study, 

"Jehovah Rapha (the God who heals) often uses life's disappointments to reveal the state of our hearts so that we can bring those broken hearts to Him for healing."

In Exodus 15, the newly freed Hebrews came to a place where the water they needed to drink was bitter. Understandably, they were upset and probably even scared. They had never been fully responsible for their provisions. They were slaves in Egypt, and that was awful. However, their basic needs were taken care of for them. On the other side of the Red Sea split, they were in need of water to live. The only water they had was bitter. So, they complained. 

The bitter water didn't make their hearts bitter, but it did reveal the bitterness that was already brewing.....  bitterness that came from immature faith and a genuine fear for their lives. A holier response would have been to acknowledge their truest emotions; fear, sadness, and even grief. Complaint and anger probably felt more powerful. 

I know it was frustrating, Moses! But, I really get it! 

Do you remember what God prescribed to make the bitter water sweet? It's so crazy! God told Moses to throw a piece of wood into the water. When he obeyed, the water became sweet to drink. How in the world can wood make anything clean?

Suddenly, I remembered another piece of wood mentioned in the Bible. Actually, Jesus spoke of this wood in Matthew 7 when He taught about the plank of wood we have in our own eyes that prevents us from seeing clearly. 

Is it possible Jehovah Rapha will heal the growing bitterness in my own heart when I take the plank out of my eye and offer it to Him. I've justified the plank, because it represents a lot of disappointment, hurt, and pain that I did not ask for or even deserve. 

This morning, I felt Jesus letting me know all of that is true. I have been mishandled and uncared for. It's really, really sad to my Heavenly Father, so He's given me Jesus who is more than happy to sit with me in my sadness. We can grieve together. Even though it feels weaker than the anger, it's a whole lot sweeter. 

This may be a daily activity of surrender. I may be removing planks and tossing them into the bitter water daily. It seems terribly exhausting and even overwhelming. 

You know what else is exhausting? Living with a bitter and resentful heart is exhausting, and it's damaging. I want better for me. I want better for my children. And, I want better for the whole body of Christ. I have a part to play in the work God is doing in His Church at this moment. Bitterness will take me out. 

So, bitterness, this is where our time together ends. I hope you've enjoyed the free space, but you will have to find a new home. I won't miss you at all. 

The Hebrews grumbled and complained. They wanted slavery, because it seemed to be easier. I'm choosing freedom even if it does take a lot of work, because bitterness has stolen enough peace!

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye," when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Matthew 7:3-5